For the Moms Who Feel Like Impostors

And forget spirit week, early release day, the laundry in the dryer, the lunchbox. . .

I love my children. And I love being a mother. There, we’ve gotten through the disclaimer. 😉 But for the entirety of my motherhood, I have also had a niggling suspicion that I totally suck at it. I’ve never been able to shake the concern that other moms know something I don’t know, that I don’t fit the mold. Now, that’s not self-deprecation, folks, those are the facts. I do know for certain that I may not be a “typical mom,” whatever that means—I swear a lot, I have tattoos, I have a non-traditional career, I am terrible at crafts and imaginative play. . . you get the picture.

And while I believe that every mom, to a degree, feels like she has no idea what she’s doing, that she’s holding on for dear life, that she’s faking it, I think there are moms who possess a very particular skill set that I do not. As a newly diagnosed woman with ADHD, it’s probably not shocking that I am looking back at the past 45 years of my life through a new lens. For this week’s column, I am sharing the first of a 5-part series on motherhood through the lens of neurodivergence. On The Mother Plus Podcast, Stacey and I are exploring the reasons why we have always felt “out of sync” as moms, and we’re wondering how much ADHD has to do with that.

Whether or not you are neurotypical, if you’re the kind of woman who feels like maybe she is failing at this motherhood gig, this may be the series for you. You can listen to the 30-minute podcast episode here, and I’ll also include a transcript. We would love to hear from you, so please comment if this resonates with you! And we would be SO grateful if you subscribed to the podcast!

Stace: Have you ever wondered why you struggle so much with motherhood? Do you have some serious anxiety over the little things that seem to come so easy to all the other moms you know? Have you ever felt a sense of imposter syndrome when it comes to you being allowed to even be a mom? If so, you need to listen to this  episode.

Welcome to the Mother Plus podcast, the show for too much hot mess moms who feel like they suck at motherhood and want to feel not so alone. Yes, that description is different than what we've said in the past. Because as of this episode, we're declaring this podcast to be for the weird ones. The always late daydreamer, quirky, square pegs trying to fit in the “have it together, on time, made of this” round holes.

This episode is the first in a five part series for moms who feel like they're failing at motherhood. By the end of this episode, you will feel seen, understood, and maybe for the first time in your motherhood, like you're not the only one. We're about to get really honest for you guys. The ones like us. So strap yourselves in. And be kind— it's about to get raw.

Steph: We are so excited to share with you guys that today is episode one in a five-part series. For moms who basically feel like we suck at this, like we are failing at motherhood. So, if you are a mom who feels like you do not fit in the cookie cutter mom box, you're a square peg in a round hole, or you didn't get the memo, or basically you just aren't like other moms and you feel like there's something wrong with you, we are your people.

And we've got five episodes where we're going to talk about this. And we are starting with a pretty specific lens today. If you listen to my solo episode about my journey to get diagnosed with ADHD, and the stressful and somewhat humiliating events that led me to that final step of getting a provider, getting an appointment, getting a diagnosis, you can go back and listen to that to see if it resonates with you. But what we want to talk about, because yes, I have been diagnosed and Stacy has her screening appointment in less than two weeks.

Stace: So, we will update you then on whether I have a diagnosis, but I think what's important here is not the diagnosis necessarily—it's acknowledging that I feel like I am constantly messing up. I feel constant anxiety. I have felt since the beginning of this podcast. When I met Stephanie and we discussed what this was about—that something is different about me and motherhood compared to other moms.

Yes. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I'm constantly pretending. I feel like I'm an imposter. I feel like I just never learned how to adult properly. Steph and I had this aha moment that we really need to focus on this more because, though we love talking about the passions we have outside of motherhood, when we took a few steps back, we realized that the thing that we have in common isn't that we have passions outside of motherhood.

Steph: It's that we struggle with being mothers because there's something missing within us. I think that this was maybe always the point of this podcast, but we didn't know it yet. It was like, we feel different. We need more than motherhood. We have ambitions and more than anything, we feel guilty because we feel like the way we do motherhood is inadequate.

We feel like we're selfish or we have too many big ideas or we should just be fulfilled by motherhood. But the other aspect is this unmistakable feeling that we both feel like we suck at it and we're doing it wrong. And it's nothing new for me because I have always felt like I don't know what I'm doing.

I felt like it as a kid, I felt like it is a young adult, but there's nothing like motherhood to take your insecurities and magnify them. Yes. And so what we're talking about today is whether ADHD or a different type of neurodivergence, whether it's anxiety or whether it's just, you, is the fact that both of us have always had this sense of inadequacy as moms.

And when I started doing my research because I was like, I have ADHD—I just know I do—and after I made the appointment, I started listening to the podcast ADHD for Smart Ass women. Tracy Otsuka was talking about some of the differences between how ADHD appears in boys and men versus girls and women. And she said, this one thing that was one of those head exploding moments. She said that women with ADHD often go off the rails at motherhood. And it's because of the increased responsibility.

And details. Like I've always, even before I was divorced, referred to myself as parenting project manager. And I think that's what motherhood feels like. It's like, all of a sudden you were project manager of all this shit you never imagined you would have to manage, right. It's not like we thought motherhood was going to be easy, but it's like, oh my God, I'm terrible at this. Well, it just magnifies all of your inadequacies.

Stace: I think that I have always been the way I have been before motherhood. But having children to take care of just magnified everything. It brought it to light. And I think that there have been friends, there have been family members who have told me, oh my God, Stacey, like this place is a mess. Or like, you know, you're always late. Your apartment is disgusting. But I seriously was in denial. I was like, what are you talking about?

Like, I've got it together. I'm a clean person. I really think in my twenties I believed strongly that like, I'm fine. You're good enough. I'm good enough. And then motherhood hit and I was like, holy shit. I just remember Charlie—Charlie's my first— was maybe a week old and we went out on a walk. And my husband's like, did you bring the sunblock?

And it was like super sunny and she's brand new. And I'm like, uh, no, like, did you bring the milk? Uh, no. Did you know there were all these things, and it was just like, that was day number one of me realizing, like, I can't do this. I shouldn't be responsible for this human. It was really, really scary.

Steph: Well, the stakes get so high. So there's this amazing psychologist, Winnicott, who talks about “good enough motherhood,” and like, neat. That's so great. But nobody's buying it. We all tell ourselves like, oh yeah, if you're attuned to your kids, what is it, 33% of the time, you're good enough? We don't subscribe to that. That doesn't feel good enough.

But it's not just like accepting that you're not a perfect mom. It's these types of shortcomings. Do you know what I mean? It's like, there's a lot of shame in motherhood when you’re like this, and that results in a lot of pretending, like Stacy said and hiding. Like there are moms who are like, yeah, I'm not a great cook or I don't do crafts, but it's not about, like, I'm not good at everything motherhood. It's this type of thing that makes you feel so embarrassed.

And we have talked about this on the podcast a number of times—some of the things are really obvious: forgetting pajama day and spirit week, leaving the lunchbox on the kitchen counter, remembering what days are early release days. . . I never know. I have one friend—Tara, are you listening?— where I'm like, Hey, I see that the elementary school kids are off tomorrow—are our kids? I don't know. How do other people keep track of this?

Stace: So for me, it's remembering teacher appreciation day, remembering that Wednesday is gymnastics day every week, remembering the sunblock or creating a “go bag” with activities. Has anybody ever heard of this? Go bag? I’ve met moms who have one, and they go to a restaurant and they just pull out the coloring books and the markers and I'm like, huh? Was I supposed to? I've heard of go bags. Did I ever make one? No. Returning library books on time. Library books are just a big shit show. Um, planning on what you're going to do for your winter break or summer break in advance rather than before the week before.

I don't know about you guys and where you live, but you have to start planning in January for summer activities for their camps and such. I am not capable of that.

Steph: Maybe that was why we did 1980 summer. Well, I guess that has to do with my ADHD also. Lovely. Yeah, it was one of those things where I'm like, I meant to do this. I did it deliberately. Even getting hair done.

Stace: Oh my God. Any kind of self care for my children is one of my biggest struggles. I like this is so embarrassing. I can't believe I'm gonna admit this: there are times where I don't bathe my children for two weeks. Yeah, honey, don't be embarrassed. I have been there that. I cannot with the baths. It gives me so much anxiety. They hate it. It stresses me out. It seems like a huge ordeal. Whenever I talk to anybody who baths their children every night, my brain explodes.

Steph: I think if you were a mom who maybe either has ADHD or just feels like you suck at everything, um, mornings are not for you. They are not for me. So stressful. I have so many legendary morning fails. And that's when I always blow my top because there was nobody to blame in this moment, except for me. Yes.

Stace:

I know that we should have packed the lunch the night before. I know that outfits should be laid out and shoes should be laid out and coats should be located. And what scares me is that no matter how many times I feel like I have an anxiety attack flying out the door to get my girls there late, and no matter how many times my brain tells me tomorrow's going to be different—tonight, you're going to pack the lunches to night. You're going to get the snacks ready tonight. You're going to locate their shoes and their hats and their snow pants and their gloves. And it's all gonna be together. Like you're going to do this tonight— No matter how many times, it happens again. And again, and again.

Steph: You’d think that you would feel so bad that that would be enough. It’s like a kid, I don't know, burning their hand on a stove: like that sucked, I'm going to remember not to do that again. You would think that the shame and the pain would be enough to avoid it. But what if your brain just doesn't work that way? It doesn't learn the lesson.

And you know, one of the other things that we talked about very early in our podcast journey together, one of our other things for bonding, was that we have big dreams, we don't always like this. We feel really guilty. Ambivalence was the word— like I love my kids, but I don't love this.

But what I've come to wonder is this: Of course I would feel ambivalent about something that makes me feel absolutely ill at ease and inadequate. Like I'm a fish and, oh my gosh, I feel so ambivalent about being on this ski lift right now.

Like what? The ski lift isn’t built for you. Constantly in discomfort and shame and guilt and stupidity and mistakes. That's exactly it. It's a fish on a ski lift.

Of course, right? Like, no wonder there's that part of you that’s like, I don't enjoy something that makes me feel horrible about myself. Like that's the most intuitive thing there is. And so, I think that the key then is to figure out what it's all about rather than just being ashamed all the time.

Right. So, if you are a neurodivergent person and you were not aware of your neurodivergence, it can contribute to a lower self esteem, which is really hard in motherhood, because we already feel so much pressure. The stakes are high.

Stace: We already feel like we're just ruining everything. Mom guilt is high. Everybody has mom guilt, neurodivergent or not. I mean, we know that: in two years, every woman we've ever interviewed has said yes, of course I have mom guilt. Right. But take our state of mind and our anxiety and everything we just listed and the guilt just magnifies.

Right. Because honestly, because there was real reason to have it right, because I am not bathing my children, brushing their teeth, and I'm getting them late to school. There was real reason to feel guilt when your brain isn't working correctly, right? Because you feel like you're actually failing your children.

Steph: Right. I get that. And you also feel like you're keeping a secret, you're pretending to be something that you're not, which takes so much energy. The going through the motions and pretending that you're on top of things. I call it acting busy. That's my thing. Act busy, pretend.

And when I was doing ADHD research, I learned that there is a very high comorbidity of imposter syndrome and ADHD. They go hand in hand. And also more women with ADHD have depression and anxiety. And so it becomes this very tricky thing to extricate the threads. Then the thing that we didn't know about is that there is a connection between ADHD and emotional regulation. Yeah. I had no idea about that. And that was one of the things that was most validating to me.

Stace: Women with ADHD tend to be reactive and have short fuses and big emotions. And lower frustration tolerance, which can lead to impatience and outbursts with their children. And I have never considered myself an angry person. I could count on one hand, I couldn't even count, before becoming a mom, the times I lost my temper, raised my voice. Got angry. Like it just wasn't in my DNA before motherhood. But after I became a mom, I had like a second personality that would come out when I was just beyond irritated and say, I would lose it. There was so much rage and so much shame that came with that rage, and concern because I honestly didn't know who that was.

Steph: Yeah, I look back on my life, and I think, I was emotional, I was anxious. But I didn't snap. And I think when we're talking about guilt and shame, no matter what type of mom you are, I don't think there's anything that makes a mom feel worse than knowing she just lost her shit. That is the thing that fills us with so much shame and guilt.

Yes. The worst feeling: I just lost my shit on my kids. Right. Did I just show my hand with them?

Stace: Are they going to remember this forever? I mean, there are times when my parents lost their shit on me that still are in my brain. And I never imagined I would have the temper that my parents have.

Steph: But to know and understand that we're talking about brain chemicals here: how idiotic of me, like I'm a psychology minor. I've worked with kids with special needs for like 20 years. I should know what ADHD is, I should know that it has to do with regulating your neurotransmitters. I should have known that it was a legit dopamine deficiency. Like we're talking about chemicals in your brain that are not working the way a typical brain works.

And so if there are brain wiring chemical reasons why you are forgetful and distracted and are losing your shit literally and figuratively, it's not like you're like, oh, sweet. I've got some dopamine problems, so I'm just going to keep screaming at my kids. It's not like you use it as an excuse, but it's a springboard because you have understanding now. And so you're like, okay, how do I work with this brain?

Stace: I can't wait to talk a little bit more about the dopamine deficiency, and we are going to cover that more in the next episode, but, all of the things that we listed above that Steph went over and that I went over, the forgetfulness and the missing things— that is happening because we are not interested in doing them.

Steph: This is so big. This is maybe the thing that gave me the most absolution when I learned that an ADHD brain is wired for interest. A typical brain is wired for importance. A typical brain says. I need to check the mail. Here's a pile of mail. I need to pay this bill. I need to make this dinner I need where we're like, we can focus if we're interested in it.

I just ruined my entire afternoon yesterday because I could not leave Stacy's house on time in order to do the errands I needed to do to get to my next appointment. Because I was so interested. I didn't want to leave Stacey's house. It did not matter to me that I had not yet hit the ATM or eaten lunch—I was not interested in those things. So there are chemical reasons why it is literally difficult for you, if you have ADHD, to concentrate on something you are not interested in, let's talk about the pile of clutter, the paper stack. Let's talk about the laundry. Let's talk about the shoes all over the floor. Let's talk about the car.

Stace: Let's not, let's not, actually. Anybody ever wants to give me a gift. Yeah, get me car detailing. Let's talk a little bit about ADHD characteristics.

Steph: Because we've been a little all over the place. Oh, hey, that's one! Uh, fast talking, that’s one, too!

Stace: I like to call that one, the Gilmore girls syndrome.

Steph: I love that, too! And I'm like, oh my God, obviously Lorelei had ADHD. Did they know that when they wrote her character or was it just intuitive? I think they did it naturally, because the same writers wrote Mrs. Maisel, and there's a little ADHD up in there, too.

Okay. So the characteristics besides the one we just so deftly demonstrated—mental hyperactivity. When we hear about the “H” in ADHD, hyperactivity, and you think about the classic hyperactive little boy who can't sit down— in girls and women, it's all happening in our heads.

Stace: It's mental hyperactivity and thus the anxiety. Um, distracted by external stimuli. So when I walk through my kitchen to clean, or I'll do the dishwasher, I will start by, you know, taking a glass out, but then when I put the glass over there, I see something over there and I'm like, oh, I should make coffee.

And then I bring the coffee back over to the coffee machine. And then I looked down at my feet and I see that there's a crumb. And then I go grab the broom and then I start. Sweeping that up and everything takes me 10 times longer because I can't focus on one task—as soon as I see something else, I do that.

Steph: Easily missing details, which is completely bewildering to people that love us or have lived with us, or maybe don't love us. Because it's like, how did you not notice this?

Stace: So yesterday we got a new couch for our basement. My husband and I had spent hours deciding on this couch and the layout of the couch. I mean, I'm talking like hours, like a two hour window where we sat on the floor, we measured everything out, we actually brought like blocks out and put them how it would be. Yesterday, we got that couch delivered. The men asked me how would the couch be arranged? It's an L, right? And without hesitation and with complete confidence, I said, yes, it's an L, it's definitely an L. And then when I came back home to see the finished couch, as soon as I saw it, I'm like, fuck. It's not an L. It's a U. We went over this.

We went over this and somehow it totally slipped my mind until I saw that it was wrong. Like how did I miss that? I just went to the grocery store right before I got here to pick up flowers for my neighbor to thank her for doing something for me. And I left the grocery store without the flowers.

Steph: Excessive struggle to begin activities you don't want to do. And we talked about that and then contrarily, some people can start, but then can't finish the activity they don't want to do so. Also, losing track of time when you're hyper-focused.

So if you are like, I don't have ADHD because I can open my computer and concentrate for 12 hours. . . ? Yeah, probably because you're interested in it. Yeah. And you can absolutely hyper-focus when you are interested.

Stace: Disorganized, but drawn to products that aid organization. So shout out to Lauren—I have a ridiculous amount of planners to make my life work: this will solve it. I am addicted to planners and courses and anything that tells me that this that'll it'll make me a normal person. It'll make me organized.

Steph: Frequently losing things. This is probably one of the things that triggers my irritability/rage switch, because it's like, why can't I find things? Whose fault is it? Well, actually it might be my children sometimes, but also just like—where are the scissors? You've got to be kidding me—I just saw this bag of paperclips.

And then overthinking and worrying. Those are fun qualities. It’s so helpful to understand it from the lens of how it presents for women. It may not be the way that you grew up thinking about what ADHD was, but when we talk about it as it relates to our lives as mothers, you look at it through this filter and it's like, no wonder. All the things that I am not good at, all the things that I hate and the reason I hate them is because I'm terrible at them.

All of the stories I've told myself about why I suck at this make sense through this lens, right? And so like, yeah, there's a big what next question. But we're not, we're not getting that today: what we're getting at today is—you're not alone. You're not alone. We know that there are others of you who feel like you suck at this and you're failing at everything.

For me, I was like, well, I'm either a bitch, lazy, selfish or just a terrible person or probably all four.

Stace: I'm a spazz. I'm a hot mess. I'm not responsible enough to be a mother. Like I should not have had children, because I can't take care of them. And there's just so much shame and guilt in that.

Steph: Yes, there is. So, if you have found yourself saying, what was I thinking, I'm not cut out for this, I think what it boils down to is that there is nothing worse than that feeling of: I am a terrible mother. I am failing my kids. I'm failing everything. But you're not alone.

We've got you. We're going to keep talking about this. We're not here to like put you on some kind of, you know, like five step program to get your shit together.

Stace: We're still figuring it out. We're still figuring it out. We are failing so regularly. We'll talk a little bit more about each of our journeys and where we go from here.

But mostly we just, we just want you to know that we are here for you. We are so excited about this series, and we will see you next week with episode two.

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Please subscribe to the podcast to follow along with us during a raw and candid series! I would love to hear from other moms who feel like this!

XO,
Steph