Gen X: Marriage Failures
Will Gen X go down in history as the worst ever at marriage? And do we care?
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I was sitting on the porch drinking my coffee this morning when my daughter ran out to tell me that her eighteen year-old cousin was engaged. After reading the news on social media, she said her first thought was, “OMG, I can’t wait to tell my mom.”
And my friends, it’s not because she was super jazzed and I’m an awesomely supportive mom and she thought we would jump up and down with glee. She was bracing herself for the inevitable commentary that would follow, and it did not disappoint—my reaction ranged from snarky quips to deep concern to actually coming close to bursting into tears. Not tears of joy. When I hesitantly asked if the fall wedding was this fall or in a year, I hopefully considered that if it was a year away, the girl would have time to come to her senses. Of course she would. Wouldn’t she?
I know that a handful of my friends (and likely a lot of readers) were lucky enough to meet “their person” in high school, even more so in college. One of the happiest couples I know actually met in middle school. Sometimes, as they say, you just know when you know. I’m not dismissing the lasting power of young love or building a fierce case that it should be illegal for anyone to tie the knot until they’ve reached the ripe old age of 33 (but, come on you guys, it’s not the worst idea, is it?).
But I see a pattern that troubles me. If you happen to be one of those blissfully happy couples who, while of course weathering some storms, are confident you are with the right person and wouldn’t have it any other way, congratulations. You are an outlier, and this column isn’t for you. So please don’t get defensive, and carry on with your lives.
This teenager’s personal story is not my business, and speaking of outliers, I’m not concerned that Gen Z is going to go down in history for their tendency to rush to the altar right out of high school. I don’t think her engagement is indicative of some larger generational problem with today’s youth. But never underestimate the impact of dysfunctional family issues to drive even a forward-thinking Gen Z kid into marriage; I’ll leave it at that.
While I don’t think Millennials and Gen Z and whatever the hell comes next are as likely to blindly enter matrimony as their predecessors, this news gave me pause. Because while I absolutely hope that my daughters get married if they choose to, and I remain a big fan of partnership and am not one of those divorced women who proclaims, “You bet your ass I’ll never get married again,” (if you know me, you know I’m a die-hard romantic and old habits, as Taylor says, die screaming) but I sure as hell hope if they do get married they do it with their eyes wide open.
This is what I said to my daughter when I tried to articulate my concerns (which, for the record, she shares) about kids getting married so young:
Almost all of us fall into an inevitable trap when we are young adults: We are going to unconsciously plunge into relationships while actively carrying the burden of unresolved childhood dynamics, family of origin relationships, generational legacies, or cultural expectations. We simply can’t fucking help it; it just happens.
Is this a nuanced way of referencing “Daddy issues/Mommy issues?” Sure, kind of. But it’s not always as simple as trying to undo patterns we learned as children, or making up for grossly lacking parental connections, or compensating for a sibling that we lost as a child, or an early trauma, etc etc. . . For instance, my undiagnosed neurodivergence absolutely informed my decisions when it came to seeking partners. I lugged along a deeply embedded, deeply unconscious belief that I was simply inadequate on my own. I was incompetent; I had no idea what was going on; I needed stability and partnership or I was going to drown.
We develop patterns in relationships that we aren’t aware of; we harbor beliefs about ourselves, our worth, our value, the skills we bring to the table and the things we believe we are lacking. We carry all of this in an invisible trunk, and we drag it up the aisle with us, then later use it to prop our feet on as we dissociate while watching a TV show with our partner.
And this is why I think it is problematic to get married so young: Because it takes a fucking long, long time to make all this unconscious shit conscious. I was exactly 45 years old when I finally opened my eyes to all the reasons I chose to get married, not just once, but twice. How many of us fell in love with a dream instead of a person? And can you blame us, when we cut our teeth on princess movies and playing house?
And here’s the other thing: What if there is no villain when it comes to some divorces? What if the real villain is the societal or familial or generational pressure we feel to get married right now, before we’ve had a chance to learn how to open our eyes? We haven’t been given the opportunity to realize exactly WHY we keep falling into certain relationship patterns; we enact the same tired old story over and over and over.
We are young, we are fresh, our biological clocks are ticking and interest rates are low. It’s time to act—NOW!!!—and maybe we’ll untangle that other important shit later.
But that’s the problem—sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t. I told my daughter that I think there really are a lot of people who fortunately find a great match for themselves early in life. As for the rest of us, there are two courses: admit defeat and fold, or double down.
Go to therapy or listen to podcasts or have deep conversations with friends and realize that you made a mistake. That it was neither partner’s “fault.” You just simply didn’t know what you didn’t know yet. But at this moment, you are choosing to free yourself (and them, even if they hate you for it) to live a more authentic life and finally untangle the aforementioned shit that got you into this mess in the first place. As Gen Xers following in the footsteps of the uber-competent Boomers—the adultiest adults who ever adulted—that is easier said than done.
Which leaves the other path: Stay. Stay because you made a commitment. You said vows. You made a promise. Never mind the fact that you didn’t know your ass from a coat rack when you were 28, never mind the fact that the scales were still firmly in place over your stubborn and optimistic eyeballs. You said the words, dammit, and people are counting on you! Grab your briefcase or apron or newspaper clipping of your ingenuous engagement photo or double stroller or diamond-encrusted anniversary band or monogrammed towels and get your head back in the game! This is life. This is marriage. This is the Suffering Club, and you are the goddamn president.
My daughter’s eyes were wide.
“So, I guess what I’m saying is this. Go to therapy. Take your time. Keep your eyes open. Listen to your gut—you know, the voice that whispers, “I don’t really want to be doing this but I feel like I don’t have a choice.” Don’t act out old patterns. Find a partner that is the right match for you. This isn’t a race. Take your time.”
She nods. She knows.
If there’s one thing I’ve done right as a parent, it’s the fact that I’ve taught my girls to become conscious of their emotions, patterns, and relational dynamics. I’ve taught them a lot of bad words, too, but that’s a story for another day.
Unhappily married Gen Xers are at a crossroads: stay or go. When we have that spark of knowing, that little voice that whispers, “I want out. Please let me out,” will we leave in pursuit of freedom and truth and happiness, or will we stay because we promised we would, because we are good, because we desperately don’t want to fail, to disappoint the Boomers and the group text and our aunt who really loved our husband or the soccer mom who always said we seem like we have such a great family?
Gen Xers have always been in the middle, haven’t we? Ignored, forgotten, jaded, all that other shit. We don’t know what we are supposed to be when we grow up, and we are equally terrified of failing and of being trapped. We are haunted by the voice of Ally Sheedy whispering that our hearts are going to die sometime pretty damn soon, really, any day now we might wake up with a cold, dead heart.
Well, I don’t know about you, but this Gen Xer chose to say, “Fuck it. I only know how to be myself.” I chose an unconventional career path, changed directions, changed husbands, changed paths, changed and changed and changed. I feel that I am swinging closer to the center of the pendulum, finally falling into a rhythm, and that rhythm is me.
I will always give myself permission to evolve, but I think the fact that my eyes are finally wide open is what is going to lead to a period of relative stability (knock on wood). And whatever happens next, I choose Brene Brown and Mary Oliver as my guides.
Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen. —Brene Brown, The Midlife Unraveling
After all, how do YOU want to spend your one wild and precious life?
XOXO,
Steph
**If you are interested in exploring the topic of writing about divorce with me, please join our fall workshop, Writing Divorce, that begins the first week of September. Writers of all levels and in all stages of divorce, past or present, are welcome. Space is limited to create a safe, intimate environment, so sign up early.
**CO local readers! Zoe Rogers and I are producing a show in August: Reclamation: The Fempire Strikes Back, an unapologetic exploration of womanhood through storytelling + stand-up comedy. 4 readers and 4 comics will share unfiltered experiences about being a woman, bringing to light all the things we are not supposed to say out loud. Join us in Lafayette on August 15th at 7 pm. This is a small, intimate venue, so seats are limited! Grab tickets here.
