Have You Heard This Annoying Expression?
And why are we still using the word "selfish" to describe choosing ourselves?
I got a little fired up this week. I learned a gross new expression that made me cringe and then made me think: “taking a selfish.” I heard it on a few podcasts, used earnestly and not ironically, by two different women. So I realized it must a thing and probably one of those things I was like years behind on. When I looked it up, I realized it was actually a cheeky line from one of my favorite TV shows, but that didn’t diminish my fiery hatred for this phrase.
Why, exactly, do I find “taking a selfish” to be such a loathsome term? Because it’s a diminutive, reductive, and frankly, insulting way to refer to women making choices that make them feel good. It’s just one more tactic in a long line of icky strategies to cheapen true self-care (not the bubbly, glittery, spa day kind of self-care) and make women feel apologetic for owning their needs and desires.
Why exactly do we, especially mothers, feel the need to reduce our choices to catchy buzzwords and silly hashtags rather than openly, proudly, living fulfilling lives? (Cough, the patriarchy.) It pisses me off. So naturally, I decided to record a podcast episode on it. You can listen to it over at the Mother Plus Podcast here, and bonus! It’s seriously like ten minutes long (or ten minutes short, if you will).
I’ve been known to take things a bit too far, position myself on soapboxes, even overreact when it comes to matters of simple semantics. But in this case, I think this is a serious matter, despite the origin of the phrase and the delightfully hilarious character who uttered it (no spoilers: gonna have to listen to the episode! 😉). It’s serious because it’s going to take a whole lot of mindful, deliberate efforts to normalize mothers pursuing their own happiness, and living sane, balanced lives that don’t make them feel physically and mentally ill.
The next time you feel compelled to write off a choice—whether it’s a truly fluffy self-care situation like a pedicure or facial (hey, those are necessary, too!), going back to school, changing careers, or taking a vacation by yourself—as being “selfish,” ask yourself to try to recall the last time you heard a man describe his pursuit of golf, fishing, sports, or hey, even a therapy session or dudes' book club as selfish. Then make that choice—no apology or silly expression needed.
**What have I been up to? I’m so glad you asked. First off, I just recovered from my THIRD bout of COVID, WTAF. I had a piece published on Your Teen that sort of blew up the internet for a minute, maybe because my original title “The Cool Mom’s Fall From Grace,” was changed to the provocative “I Couldn’t Overcome My Hatred of The Girls Who Dumped My Daughter.” 🤦♀️ You can read it here, if you dare… I also had a post republished on Generation Mindful: This Sucks and I am Drowning, and Hey, How Are You?
I’ve also been facilitating the first HerStories Project summit for midlife women writers, and we are offering a new one starting in a few weeks! It’s like a virtual writing conference, except less pressure, less intense, less expensive, and an amazing group of Gen X women writers. Check it out here.
I hope you are healthy and happy and not hating winter too much (my gawd is it over yet?) and thanks for forgiving my lengthy absence.
XO,
Steph