I hired a co-parent
The reality of single motherhood and what it means to have a wife
I mean, I didn’t exactly hire a co-parent. But I was drowning, and I needed help.
To be fair, I got to try out my “co-pair” (Get it? Like au pair and co-parent? Where can I get one of those, for real.) for free for an entire month after we interviewed the CEO and founder of Faye—a company that matches families with advisors to help with the mental load—on the podcast.
I thought it would be impractical and frivolous to pay someone to help me manage invisible labor. I planned to enjoy a free month of having an assistant, and then I would quit. It’s hard enough to afford groceries and my property taxes just went up and my kid is in so many sports and I’ll never stop paying for a great hair stylist. Hiring a family advisor was irresponsible.
But then I realized I wasn’t willing to live without help. Especially not after she said this to me:
We shouldn’t have to hire help, should we?
There are so many reasons I shouldn’t need extra help. Even divorced people have a co-parent, right? (File under: more things I cannot publicly extrapolate upon.) I suppose those who have a harmonious co-parenting relationship conceivably have another adult who, half the time, drives their kid to school and activities / prepares food for said children / schedules appointments and extra-curriculars / shoulders the emotional and mental burdens of parenting / remembers when the band concert is / is otherwise invested in the smooth running of one’s children’s lives.
I’m certain that many divorced mothers who have 50/50 custody would scoff at the notion that their children’s father equally contributes to the innumerable tasks that characterize the infamous “mental load.” It’s simply a fact that women typically manage more tasks like scheduling doctor’s appointments and summer camp and haircuts, staying on top of school fees and vaccines, meal planning, errands, grocery shopping, housework, etc. I know there are some seriously amazing men who would take umbrage with this because they do so much driving, planning, and parenting. Those guys are awesome. Love them.
But let’s be real. Systemically, that is not the norm. Theoretically, I should have more help than I do with childcare, parenting, planning, and logistics. But theoreticals and ideals and hypotheticals are not going to drive my kid to practice while I am working.
Should the mental load really be this heavy?
Even if I had a partner, I would likely still feel like I was drowning much of the time. See aforementioned commentary on women shouldering more invisible labor, but really—even the moms whose husbands are also working their asses off to manage the household are fried, because our modern lives are just so, so much.
The academic expectations on our kids. The increasing financial pressure so many working and middle class families are facing. Living in a digital age and raising kids with technology and social media. The busy-ness of our lives as we try to make sure our kids are well-rounded and active. Political anxiety. Worrying about our own health at midlife.
It’s a lot. And also,
Let’s not forget there is no village.
I’m not trying to be a downer, you guys! But how often do you *really* drop your kid off unannounced with a neighbor so you can run errands or meet a friend for coffee? How many of us are actually carpooling frequently, taking turns watching each other’s kids, or eating meals with friends or neighbors? Even those of us who are lucky enough to have supportive families and incredible friends feel like we are on an island. The family unit can be so insular, and our hectic lives often isolate us, despite the whirlwind of activities that frequently put us in the physical orbit of others. Our interactions are sometimes more draining than inspiring or comforting.
So, yeah. Being a working, self-employed single ADHD mom of teenage girls often leaves me feeling so overwhelmed I could cry. I cling to my to-do list as though it’s the only thing preventing me from fucking up literally every single thing, dropping every possible ball. I feverishly practice neurotic self-care so I don’t have a breakdown, because my girls need me too much.
So back to that co-pair for hire.
What does it feel like to have someone helping me with the mental load? I’m so glad you asked.
I am on my third month of working with a Faye advisor. These are some of the things she has done for me since we started working together in January:
Found me an affordable house cleaner to come every three weeks
Scheduled my daughter’s pediatrician visit, dentist appointment, and haircut
Found me a new dentist and scheduled my appointment
Scheduled my flu shot
Created a laminated shopping list that my daughter updates weekly with a dry erase marker, and then adds those items to my online grocery cart after my kid texts her a picture of the list. 🤯
Integrated my calendar with all my daughter’s sports and created a printable calendar for my 8th grader so she knows when all her practices are
Scheduled my oil change
Confirmed my insurance benefits and scheduled my colonoscopy
We check in twice a month for half an hour—just talking through the upcoming week’s tasks with her lowers my blood pressure—and she texts and emails me regularly to remind me to do things and ask if I have any updates. On our call a few days ago she asked me if I’d heard back from my insurance adjustor and to let her know if I needed her to follow up with them. I mean, WHUT, you guys.
She’s going to help me find affordable flights so I can finally take my girls on a vacation. She’s going to help me finish booking summer camp. She knows when it’s time for me to schedule my next eye exam and mammogram.
When I told my best friend I was working with an advisor and shared all the things she did for me, she said, “Oh! You have a wife.”
Um, take that in for a moment.
How it feels not to be all alone anymore, and why it matters:
The first time we had a virtual meeting, I nearly burst into tears three times. At one point when I was listing all the things on my to-do list and all the ways I needed help as an ADHD mom, I commented, “I just can't remember to do that.”
And she said, you don't have to anymore. You'll give it to me.
I told her how hard it was to fit in errands and remember to grocery shop and pick up prescriptions, research summer sports registration for my kid, and one by one, she took these items off my plate. My relief was palpable. I felt like my entire nervous system let out a deep exhale. It sent a message to me on the deepest level: You are not alone anymore. I am here to help you. I've got this.
If you are a single mom, you can imagine what that felt like. It’s hard to express just how deeply we crave that feeling.
Having my advisor in my back pocket is sort of like the regulation that happens when you have a therapist. Just knowing that they are there provides an undercurrent of relief.
I hesitated to write this post. I worried it would sound like a big sales pitch (and duh, I obviously have an affiliate link to share) and that’s not why I wrote it. Full disclosure, I would love it if you would sign up for Faye and get the discount. But many of you may not need this kind of service, and that’s not really the point, anyway. The point is that some of us are so overburdened we need to hire a “co-parent,” and we feel like shit about that.
Whether you are drowning or kicking ass at life, there is a larger, more universal issue here. So many mothers—single or married, ADHD or neurotypical, working or SAHM—default to this response: I don’t deserve this. It is a waste of money to hire someone to help me feel less stressed. I should be able to handle it on my own.
The shame that we are taken down by the struggle to juggle can paralyze us into inaction and self-sacrifice. If you are one of those moms who feels guilty or ashamed that you are overwhelmed, and want to offload tasks to improve your quality of life, I would urge you to think about what it might be worth to enjoy your life just a little bit more. To feel less alone. To have a co-parent.
XO,
Steph
You can get 15% off your first month of Faye with the code MOTHERPLUS here.
So many fun things!!
Tickets are on sale!
Tickets to LTYM Boulder are now on sale! Grab yours for Sunday, May 4th at 4 pm here. If you are out of town, you can buy a livestream ticket here!
Grab tickets to I’m My Therapist’s Favorite: A Comedy Show About the Chaos in All of Us here. The show is Sunday, April 27th at the Louisville Underground.
Come see a FREE comedy show Friday 3/28 at 8 pm in Lakewood!
I am so glad you wrote this, it’s the kind of transparent vulnerability that we need, especially as overwhelmed moms, single or otherwise. This is the village - sharing information and discounts, right? I outsource as much as I can, including a house cleaner, and I just hired an affordable college counselor for my oldest so someone else can organize my disorganized kid and keep track of their applications, etc. but I will absolutely keep this kind of service in mind for my future. Recently, I’ve been overwhelmed by all of my children’s mental health prescriptions, let alone therapy appointments. It’s almost impossible to keep up with when a medication is running low. The idea of someone else handling this for me would be amazing.
Steph - This is so powerful. I cried. (Not a full-on snotty ugly cry, more of a "I don't feel worthy and I should" cry. My daughter is 40 and has just finished her cancer treatment (and is officially in remission!!), I have no teens or tweens, but even with just 3 adults (and more cats than I will admit to at the moment) in the house - I feel truly overwhelmed at times.
My "I'm worthy" action is coming in the form of saying "ME FIRST" when I look at my impossible-to-complete-in-this-lifetime to-do list. "Me first" looks like writing for my substack, spending a half hour reading, or going for a walk outside before I unload the dishwasher and throw a load of towels in the washer (and add laundry detergent to the grocery list).
Thanks for sharing this. We all need to be reminded of this from time to time - in my case, every 45 minutes or so should work.
Love you!!