The Numbers That Can Ruin My Day
What Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria means to women with ADHD
A new show! A new open spot in the Writing Womanhood circle (which was the most magical experience—still floating) Thursday night! You can still join the online March writing workshop! All the info you need is right here.
Whenever it’s Listen To Your Mother Boulder show season, I always joke with my co-producer that I won’t know if I’m in a good mood or a bad mood that day until after the morning ticket sales email arrives in my inbox. We sold 18 in one day! = good day. Not a single ticket sale? Again? = despair.
It’s not just ticket sales. It’s also that moment of helpless brace yourself / dread / foolish optimism before I step on the scale in the morning after I’ve peed and before I’ve taken even a sip of water. I hate myself for admitting that.
It’s the daily email with my bank account balance. Wince / rejoice!
It’s logging into my dashboard to see how many people are signed up for a workshop.
It’s the size of the jeans that fit well versus the size of the ones that used to be my favorite.
I am fairly confident that every single self-help guru or personal development author would issue me the same message:
“Stephanie, you’ve fallen into the classic trap of “Once this happens, then I’ll be happy!" You have to stay in the present! You have to be grateful and not long for something in the past or wait for a specific moment in the future in order to be content. You have a scarcity mentality. You’re sabotaging yourself. You’re delaying joy.”
Certainly, all of those assholes would be correct. I was trying to find a more succinct way to describe this phenomenon, and Chat told me this:
“You're describing the “I'll Be Happy When” Syndrome or Conditional Happiness. This mindset assumes that happiness is only attainable once a specific external condition is met—such as getting a promotion, finding a partner, losing weight, or achieving a goal. It places fulfillment in the future rather than the present, often leading to perpetual dissatisfaction as new conditions replace old ones.
This concept is closely related to the Hedonic Treadmill, where people adapt to positive changes quickly and then seek the next thing, keeping happiness just out of reach. It also ties into Destination Addiction, a term used by Dr. Robert Holden, which describes the belief that happiness is somewhere in the future rather than available in the present moment.”
I mean, even ChatGpt gets it. Chat knows that destination addiction is unhealthy! Also, I’ve never heard of the Hedonic Treadmill before, and it’s clearly not a good thing, but oh, what a fun little term! The treadmill thing definitely sounds like a bad idea, but I still stand by my personal philosophy of swinging from one “hedonism vine” to the next in order to maintain optimum wellness. I made that term up myself, and I’m a huge fan of self-care by way of hedonism, just saying.
I absolutely agree that we shouldn’t attach our feelings of self-worth or happiness to external conditions or future events, be it a paycheck amount or a target weight or an enrollment number. But damned if that isn’t easier said than done. And here’s another layer:
ADHD Women Often Have RSD
RSD is not a variation of RBF: It stands for “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.” Rejection sensitive dysphoria is defined as: “a condition that causes extreme emotional pain in response to rejection, criticism, or failure. It's often linked to ADHD.”
We had a fascinating conversation with Dr. Rebecca Richey, psychologist, about this on The Mother Plus Podcast. You can listen to that here; she perfectly describes what it feels like internally. And while the name implies that some sort of external rejection is necessary to cause this reaction—ie, a breakup, getting fired from a job, being yelled at by a teacher, a friend being mad at you—it can shockingly be triggered by the events I listed above that involved a whopping personnel count of: Me, and me.
I mean, technically you could suggest that all of these inciting incidents could involve me being rejected by: my bank, my bathroom scale, the jeans at Old Navy, every single person on my mailing list who did not purchase tickets for my event or sign up for my class. . . you get the idea.
Dr. Richey would explain it like this: To a woman experiencing RSD, that sinking feeling of “I should have more money in my bank account” or “I’ve gained ten pounds” has a powerful subtext: How did I let things get so out of control? I can’t believe I let this happen. I am a failure. I have no idea what I’m doing and I am to blame. It’s the feeling of realizing that things have spiraled out of your control and you should have realized that you were: not making enough money / paying attention to your weight / ABOUT TO DELETE YOUR ENTIRE MUSIC LIBRARY BECAUSE YOU ALSO MISMANAGED YOUR COMPUTER STORAGE.
Without getting too far in the weeds, I often wonder why I have chosen a career for myself in which my income 1) fluctuates wildly based on the season and my offerings/performances 2) is unpredictable and unreliable and 3) revolves around my self-worth as though every single workshop, show, or session I offer evokes the same existential panic as “WHAT IF I THROW MYSELF A BIRTHDAY PARTY AND NOBODY SHOWS UP.”
I mean, why would a woman with ADHD who is so sensitive to rejection, criticism, or failure, put herself in such a precarious position?? Why not have a “normal job” where I just show up and get paid the same amount of money every day and never worry if I’m making less money than I want because I’m a total failure and everyone hates me? I mean, don’t even get me started on what is about to happen when I start shopping my manuscript around this spring and begin to receive a deluge of unstoppable rejections from literary agents whose cup of tea I am not? Why doesn’t anyone want to drink my tea?? It’s delicious! To return to my previously issued recovering people-pleaser mantra: DRINK MY TEA, MOTHERFUCKER, AND LIKE IT!
Two things: Clearly, I just failed at my mission to not get “too far in the weeds” (Did somebody say RABBIT HOLE?! 😍) but more importantly, I have the answer to my hypothetical question in the previous paragraph. The reason I have chosen this career as a woman with ADHD is that in addition to our sensitivity to rejection and failure, we tend to thrive as entrepreneurs.
We like the freedom, the thrill, and the opportunity to tailor a job schedule and description to our unique needs and skills. We are often creative and ambitious, and running our own business, being in private practice, or doing freelance work can be an excellent fit. I mean, aside from the flip side, which is an increased likelihood of being on the receiving end of criticism or rejection, the mega-strength impostor syndrome we carry, and the fact that the ADHD Smart/Good Girls amongst us are allergic to failure as though it may actually kill us.
Jesus, what a cruel, counterintuitive combination of traits.
For the late diagnosed ADHD women. . .
There is something thrilling and poetically just about receiving an ADHD diagnosis in one’s mid-forties. I just read
’s latest Substack column in , in which she shares a concept she began exploring in her early forties known as The Portal. (Go read it—it’s incredible, and she includes commentary from several other of my favorite favorites on Substack, like from and from as well as exploring the Jungian concept of a “midlife passage.”)Petersen was contemplating what topic to write about next, when Anja Tyson suggested on Instagram,“the weird spiritual / emotional / professional / transitional portal that women ages 37 to 45 are in.”
Well. I am all about portals AND midlife women being powerful beyond measure AND Jung in general. I mean, what a brilliant collision!
I’ve long been obsessed with Brene Brown’s notion of a “midlife unraveling” rather than a crisis, and considering that the bulk of my work consists of guiding midlife women to reclaim their voices, tap into their power, and recover themselves, this whole article lit me on fire.
And it made me think about something differently. In a way, I will always be a little sad that my neurodivergence went undiagnosed for the first 45 years of my life. My heart will always ache for little Stephanie, that over-achieving, straight-A, people-pleasing good girl who wanted to desperately to fit in and never let on that her brain was an absolute chaos-scape (I made that word up just now).
I will even allow a bit of rage that my transition to motherhood was speckled with anxiety, ambivalence, guilt, and shame that I was not “better at it,” and that I often detested myself for having a short fuse, for reaching overwhelm so easily, for being so disorganized. I now know that motherhood can be a disastrous tipping point for women with undiagnosed ADHD, both chemically and in terms of responsibility.
And I finally understand that Executive Functioning challenges and emotional dysregulation are hallmarks of ADHD in girls and women. As is the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria that caused me to internalize all my perceived failings and knocked me down every time I fell short of perfection.
But here is the flip side: Right now, as a 46-year-old single mom, a “flying-by-the-seat of-my-pants” writer, producer, podcaster, and writing coach—I am straight up IN the portal.
I am more attuned to myself, my body, my children, my work, and my heart’s desires than I ever have been. My intuition flows freely through me because I allow it, I celebrate it; I have stopped ignoring it and suppressing it. My creativity is unstoppable. I surround myself with people who light me up. I am the best version of me that I have ever been.
So in a way, what better time is there for me to come face to face with understanding my neurodivergence? Right now I have more tools, more wisdom, more life experience, and the necessary space from raising little children to allow me to really sink into understanding myself.
And I have indeed sunk in. (Sank in? Shit.) In the last year, I have done a deep dive into understanding ADHD, RSD, Executive Functioning, emotional dysregulation, and how to harness the superpowers that I have BECAUSE of my ADHD, not in spite of it.
I am not going to suddenly evolve past my sensitivity to the numbers that sometimes ruin my day. But I can notice it when it happens, understand why it feels so intense for me, and I can give myself the love and protection I have always longed for. No matter how many tickets you’ve sold or how many podcast downloads you have or what size your dress is or how many people came to your class, you are safe. You are loved. You are special. You are worthy.
Someday soon, I will believe it every single time. I’m getting closer. Because the time is finally right. I am ripe for it. I am in the portal; it is powerful, and so am I.
XO,
Steph
Well, if ever there was a perfect segue. . . look at the next show I am producing! 😂
Yes. It’s called “I’m My Therapist’s Favorite,” and it’s going to be a celebration of the neuroses, RSD, embarrassing inner talk, neurodivergence, impostor syndrome, anxiety, and general chaos inside each of us. If you are local, grab a ticket. This one is going to be good. (If you don’t want to go, I’m totally fine, you guys. I promise. Really. It’s the new me.)
I relate to all of this. ALL OF IT! The rejection sensitive dysphoria that's compounded by a flexible, creative career chosen to suit a mind that craves change and challenge, and becoming more in-tune and accepting of the way I think and move in the world. I understand, Steph! Thanks for putting it all into words in such an accessible way.