Watch Out For That One
Be sexy, but not sexual.
As the mother of tween and teen daughters, I’m sure it’s no surprise that I have incredibly strong feelings about the objectification of girls and women. And as a Gen X-er, I have equally strong feelings about what it was like to grow up in the 80s and 90s when the plotline of essentially every TV show and movie casually wove in harassment, assault, sexism, and gender stereotypes. Even Disney movies featured princesses who were about to be “married against their will” (we all know what that means), and the young girls watching learned valuable lessons about the worth of women in society, the fragility and shamefulness of our bodies, and the fact that men could basically do what they wanted with us. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see if the vulnerable female lead is about to be assaulted! Hooray for Family Movie Night!
Put that combo together—Gen Xer + mother of daughters—and the evolution of messages surrounding female sexuality make me feel equally proud/relieved about how far we’ve come, and filled with disgust and rage that we haven’t come farther. I am grateful that the inane tween comedies my children marinated in at least featured more body positivity and empowerment of girls and fewer low-key sexual predators. And yet, my daughters still have to live in the real world, today, where things are better, but still seriously fucked up.
“Better watch out for that one!”
It’s one of my least favorite comments that people (let’s be real, mostly men) make about my daughters and their peers.
It seems innocent enough, and I know people say it automatically and don’t “mean anything by it,” but I think it’s time we start examining the words we choose to use about adolescent girls and their sexuality a little more closely. This is nothing new—some variation of this statement has been circulating since basically forever: “Better go get the shotgun, Dad!” People even take *funny* prom pictures where the father stands protectively over his daughter with a shotgun. That’s fucking gross, you guys.
Last month, my Mother Plus Podcast co-host and I had the opportunity to interview an incredible local therapist, Deb Rubin, founder of the Mother Daughter Journey. And because few subjects get me fired up quite like this, I came in hot and we did a subsequent deep dive.
I’m going to share an excerpt from our conversation, and but you can also listen to both Parts I and II of this important discussion with an absolute dynamo in her field on the Mother Plus Podcast below. If you have daughters, or children who identify as daughters, Deb’s message is an absolute must.
Steph: I've had a handful of conversations with men of a certain age, and I'm sure this isn't shocking to you, where they say: “You better watch out for that one,” about your daughter.
And I want to make them very uncomfortable, because I want to say, okay, you're saying “better watch out for that one” because she's beautiful, because she has long legs, because…? So, what am I watching out for? It's one of two things: I'm watching out for her to either be a sexual person who wants to experience pleasure—watch out for that!—or I'm watching out for her to be assaulted.
Okay. So that's basically what you're saying. Watch out: someone is either going to take advantage of or harm your daughter in a sexual way, or she's going to want to have sex and enjoy that. And I say that to people sometimes— you can't say it to everybody—but I want to, because I want to be like, what exactly are you telling me that I should watch out for with that one? And it makes me sick.
Deb: I couldn't have said it better myself. I do want you to say it to everyone. Because that's exactly it. That's the difference between sexuality and being sexualized. And being sexualized is a systemic problem that is deep and old and we don't have any control over that, but where we have all the control is empowering our girls: to be who they are, to be, to enjoy pleasure, to have a voice, to be assertive, to get their needs met. All these girls were taught to be sexy, but not sexual.
Watch a clip from our interview here:
I know it’s uncomfortable to talk about this stuff; I know many folks (although, good god, definitely not all!) are doing their/our best and don’t mean to “say the wrong thing.” But I think we can do better. And part of that includes taking a close look at the role we have all played in feeding into this damaging dynamic. I want to hear from you—parents, have you encountered this? Have you said “Watch out for that one” without really thinking about the implications? Don’t beat yourself up if you have, but maybe the next time somebody shows you a picture of their daughter, focus instead on the fact that the powerhouse in the photo is going to change the world: Watch out for that.
XOXO,
Steph
Here is our two-part discussion with Deb Rubin, where she shares absolutely amazing insights with us about the nuanced and rich experience of raising girls.
Read on to learn more about Deb and our conversation with her. She’s a badass, you guys.
Show Notes from our talks with Deb:
Stace and Steph interview Deb Rubin, a Boulder-based therapist and facilitator of The Mother Daughter Journey workshops. Deb is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and has worked in numerous therapeutic job settings, as well as sexual health education, consciously blending the best of both Eastern and Western theories into her practice. In the first half of our two-part conversation with Deb, we talk about what it means to take a deep look at ourselves as parents, bringing compassion and consciousness to ourselves and our children. In Part II, we do a deep dive into the reality of raising girls right now. We cover sexuality, technology, the positive and beautiful aspects of having daughters, and the evolution of our connection with them, including the painful separation that occurs. Deb gives us tips on how to tap into the quietness of our intuition and remember how to prioritize our own fulfillment in motherhood and shed the outdated "mother guilt story."
In these episodes, we talk with Deb about:
As parents, we can't help but project "our stuff" onto our children: Deb talks about "conscious adulting," in which we show up responsible for who we are and invite our children to learn how to be exactly who they are.
Deb gives us a crash course in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which is Steph's favorite kind of therapy and large part of the book she's writing. Deb calls it "the most self-compassionate type of therapy."
In The Mother Daughter Journey workshops, Deb works with mothers of 9-17 year-old daughters to navigate the changes that happen to relationships during this time, including the inevitable grief that comes with the transition out of childhood.
Deb talks about how we need to continually fine-tune how we communicate with our daughters so that we are not falling into an "outdated version of connection."
We learn about the significance of "the mother line," in which we pass things down generationally that may not belong to us and may need to be set down.
Deb shares her opinion on the biggest obstacle in mother-daughter relationships right now, and it's probably not what you think.
Grief is a huge part of our journey with our daughters—letting go is hard, and even when you have a secure relationship with your daughter, your influence in their lives changes, which can be difficult to accept.
Tough conversations: raising daughters in a sexualized culture where we have made a lot of positive strides but yet still deal with constant objectification.
Sexuality vs being sexualized—Stephanie shares the comment she hears from men that makes her blood boil.
"This isn't an emergency." Deb teaches us how to get back in touch with our connection with our kids, to rely on insight vs instincts to avoid panic.
What do you LOVE about raising girls? Deb helps us look on the bright side and tap into our favorite things about our relationships with our daughters.
Deb emphasizes the power and importance of "conscious repair"—make this your new go-to parenting practice—as well as quieting your mind to trust you intuition about what is right for you and for your child.
"Caretaking is not a mother's job—it's a human's job." Deb reminds us that the biggest gift we can give our kids is to model fulfillment so they can see us as whole beings.