Explain It To Me

If we are to have different conversations, where do we begin?

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

I spent most of the last week in the company of incredible women, for which I am grateful. Being together, whether in person or virtually, is perhaps the only balm right now. I connected with some of my favorite people “in real life,” as well as during writing workshops and comedy shows and Zoom meetings, and I had the opportunity to listen. And learn.

Social media, of course, was at the ready last week to curate the perfect meme or quote to encapsulate any feeling or reaction after a polarizing election that left (not enough) people feeling terrified and angry. I can unequivocally state that I have yet to come across a woman who appreciates the trite, overused meme of people clinking beer mugs with a caption along the lines of, “Hey, man, we’re all still friends, right? Let’s agree to disagree!”

(I found it for you guys and saved it on my computer as “Fuck this meme.”

On the first day, in my haze of anger and bewilderment and “Has this country actually gone insane? Do we truly not understand the lesson of history repeating itself:?”, I reposted a very angry, “Do not expect me to sit across the brunch table and pretend to be your friend and serve on your PTA committees; I will never forgive you for this.”

Then I wondered if that was too much. Should I take it down? I didn’t.

And after talking so extensively with midlife women, all of whom are weary, a few diverse perspectives came into view, and I felt myself, yet again, holding opposites.

Both / And?

I spoke with wise, intelligent women who said things like, “There is blame all around. If this many people felt frightened or unheard and truly believed the Democratic party did not support or understand them, we are missing something. We’ve gotten something wrong.”

I met a woman a few weeks ago who had moved to a small Iowa town from the progressive community of St. Paul, Minnesota to start a business. She talked to me about how people in the town were good and kind, but that they truly lacked a global perspective and had been untouched by so many issues. Her courage and equanimity astonished and humbled me.

Some women set fires to their FB friend list, others determinedly set out out to celebrate their “traditional” mother-in-law’s birthday in small town Kansas. Some said they would leave the country; others said, “Everything will be fine; we’ve been here before.”

“We need to be having different conversations,” one woman told me last week. “We aren’t doing this right.”

It gave me pause. Again, should I take down my “I will haunt you and scream in your ear like a banshee on behalf of every witch you burned and every woman who failed to get a safe abortion and every transgender child abandoned” post? Should I instead be trying to have civil conversations to effect change?

Then another woman told me how her young adult daughter was waiting tables on election night in a red state. How was she supposed to politely set down the pitcher of Bud Light to “men” saying things like, Your body, my choice? Explain that to me.

Another woman talked about children (children) on her child’s soccer team commenting to one another, “Hey man, don’t get deported without me!”

I talked with friends about the good, kind people they know whose personal beliefs are not alignment with the far-right agenda they just elected into office. And yet they still did it.

I agree with my friend who said that polarization is not the way, that we need to have different conversations. I felt somewhat heartened by the YouTube video I watched that basically said, “We aren’t going to be effecting change on a macro level, so turn to the micro.”

How can you make a difference locally? What school board campaigns and state policies and organizations that help women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ communities can you support? Essentially, what conversations can you have, and change?

But the problem is, I don’t know where to begin.

Because I want to start every conversation like this.

I believe you to be a rational, kind person. So explain it to me.

What do you say to your daughter who has to wait tables for men who are gloating about her lack of rights?

Tell me how you are a woman who voted for a rapist who has bragged about assault.

How do you talk to your gay nephew who knows that you voted in an administration who does not believe he has the right to be married?

What would you do if your Christian, 20-year-old daughter’s birth control failed? Would it matter if she was in a committed relationship? If she planned to go to med school? What if she was raped? Keep going, and she may not have options.

How do you reconcile your commitment to the economy, gas prices, tax breaks, or small government with your belief that you are not a racist, homophobic misogynist?  

Explain to me how you came to vote against an intelligent, dynamic, educated, charismatic, well-qualified Black woman in favor of an elderly, hateful, poorly spoken white male tyrant, and then tell me you do not in fact hate Black women.

But there is one question that truly baffles me, as someone who grew up in the church, attended a Lutheran college, and vividly recalls the “WWJD” bracelet craze.

Indeed, what would Jesus do?

So, you voted for Trump. Because you are a Christian. Explain to me how this man in any way exemplifies the teachings of Jesus. Describe to me their similarities. Let’s sit together at a Bible study and really unpack the fundamentals of Christianity and how they are in alignment with an administration that spews hate.

I don’t know where to begin. Until human rights are no longer politicized, until women’s bodies and equal rights are not a partisan issue, where do we even begin?

Our country was founded on genocide, slavery, and misogyny. Why are any of us surprised?  

I want to do my part on a small, local level. I don’t want to spew into an echo chamber. And yet I don’t know how to get past the fact that so many people voted against the safety and rights of my daughters, and yours, in favor of the mirage of cheaper groceries and gas. Do you have any answers for me? If you voted for Trump, can you speak to my questions in a thoughtful, civilized, non-fear-based way? I am listening.

My youngest has been sleeping with me most of the past week. I don’t mind. Last night I woke up at 1:25 am, sighed deeply, and put on a meditation. My app flashed its usual “insight” of the day:

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading. —Lao Tzu

My daughter reached for my hand in her sleep, and I pulled the tiny comma of her body into mine.

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XOXO,
Steph

Offerings for women in the coming months:

For the past five days, I have had discussions about where to go next, what’s the point of anything, why do we write, how can I stand on stage and be funny, what is there to do, how will we get through? I don’t have the answers, but I feel grateful that a large part of my work is connecting with women, and I am committed to continue bringing my community together to amplify women’s voices.

• Reclamation: The Fempire Strikes Back is an all-female storytelling and stand-up comedy event. We are committed to creating a safe space for women to perform, connect, and listen, to share stories and experiences that we don’t often feel comfortable talking about, and we will be partnering with local businesses and organizations for future shows.
  

  We want to give our audiences an opportunity to get involved however they can: If you are a Colorado local and have either a business that supports women or know of an organization we can and should be supporting, please reach out to me in the comments or at steph.iz @ hotmail.com You can buy tickets for the December 5^th show at Muse in Lafayette to support women in the arts here.

• In January, I will be offering 5-week, in-person writing circles—Writing Womanhood—where small groups of women will come together to create, connect, craft writing, and share. Weekly 90-minute groups will include writing prompts, meditation and reflection, instruction on writing craft and storytelling, workshopping, and a salon-style experience to read your writing aloud in a safe space to your writing circle. Join the interest list here to stay up to date—no commitment—so you can be first to reserve a spot.

• Michele Theoharris and I are offering a two-hour experience—Nourish Your Creative Fire— for women at Sunny Isle yoga in Arvada on Sunday, 11/17 from 1-3. This will be a safe, sacred opportunity to connect, process, create, express, meditate, vocalize, move, and experience sound healing. Space is limited to sign up ASAP at Sunny Isle.

Click here for more events and workshops, including “It’s Time For Your Book,” starting 11/13.