Thanks for writing this. I’ve been divorced for five years now and in a new relationship with someone I can be myself with and even then I feel the urge to make myself smaller and more likeable. It makes me wonder whether I’ve been so conditioned to please that I cannot be in a relationship and not lose myself somewhere along the way…?
Thank you so much for your comment—I can relate. I worry that no matter how good my relationship is, I won't be able to fight that urge either. Like, how much practicing of "being ourselves without filtering or shrinking" do we need to do before we can trust we won't abandon ourselves? And are some women more susceptible to this people-pleasing Good Girl crap than others?
You nailed it. The trick is to find the one who loves your weird, ugly, in your face parts as pieces of the whole package of you. Authenticity is the key to happiness.
Thank you for that, Ellyn! It means a lot. And I'm reading slowly, which is strange as I have definitely gotten to "the interesting part," and I am dying to know how it ends... Maybe I'll pick up the pace this week!
I wish I had thought to use a highlighter with All Fours, there are so many nuggets of wisdom in that one! Mainly in the way she describes everyday thoughts most women have but don't know how to put into words. I am definitely guilty of making myself small in my relationships, and I hope I am finally at a place where I can recognize when I slip back. Little by little (and with the help of the writing groups), I'm peeling back the layers to figure out who I have been trying to be all these years. It's scary, and a lot to unpack, but reading posts like these make me feel empowered to keep going.
I love the peeling back of layers and unpacking and coming together as women to empower one another's self-discovery. It's scary and invigorating all at once. I am reading this book slowly, oddly, and continue to highlight the gems along the way...
I love this post so much and can relate to all of it! I also listened to All Fours on audio by the author and I have a lot of feelings about it both positive and not. I can’t wait till you finish. And there is nothing like that sudden realization that you are totally free. I still get that wonderful burst every now and then even five years after filing for divorce.
Yes! Yesterday, out of nowhere and after coming up on two years, I heard the back door open and felt a flash of panic/disappointment/time to act busy and then realized I was "safe." What the actual fuck.
Oh man, I can't wait to see what you write after you finish the book. It was such a bizarre read that my friends and I also totally related to in a lot of ways. The woman in the book never has a name, which we all realized much later...maybe to help us all insert ourselves into the woman's place at times?
Sometimes reading posts like this one help me to realize that I'm not the only one who feels a need to "look busy" when my husband walks in or who is resentful about the constant comments if I sleep in or take a nap or work from bed one day. It's exhausting to always feel judged.
The farther I go, the more I am highlighting and I am working on a Part II now... Holy shit. I really appreciate your comment, Josey. It is so helpful to know we aren't the only ones.
Thanks for writing this. I’ve been divorced for five years now and in a new relationship with someone I can be myself with and even then I feel the urge to make myself smaller and more likeable. It makes me wonder whether I’ve been so conditioned to please that I cannot be in a relationship and not lose myself somewhere along the way…?
Thank you so much for your comment—I can relate. I worry that no matter how good my relationship is, I won't be able to fight that urge either. Like, how much practicing of "being ourselves without filtering or shrinking" do we need to do before we can trust we won't abandon ourselves? And are some women more susceptible to this people-pleasing Good Girl crap than others?
You nailed it. The trick is to find the one who loves your weird, ugly, in your face parts as pieces of the whole package of you. Authenticity is the key to happiness.
Yes yes yes. Cannot agree with that comment more. ❤️❤️❤️
So touched by this piece. Ugh. The dread when the garage door opens. And…I know how the book ends. 🤫
Thank you for that, Ellyn! It means a lot. And I'm reading slowly, which is strange as I have definitely gotten to "the interesting part," and I am dying to know how it ends... Maybe I'll pick up the pace this week!
Nothing brightens my inbox like seeing your latest post pop up! This one didn't disappoint! <3
That makes me so happy!
I wish I had thought to use a highlighter with All Fours, there are so many nuggets of wisdom in that one! Mainly in the way she describes everyday thoughts most women have but don't know how to put into words. I am definitely guilty of making myself small in my relationships, and I hope I am finally at a place where I can recognize when I slip back. Little by little (and with the help of the writing groups), I'm peeling back the layers to figure out who I have been trying to be all these years. It's scary, and a lot to unpack, but reading posts like these make me feel empowered to keep going.
I love the peeling back of layers and unpacking and coming together as women to empower one another's self-discovery. It's scary and invigorating all at once. I am reading this book slowly, oddly, and continue to highlight the gems along the way...
Love this one! Going to get that book rn
Tell me what you think!!
I love this post so much and can relate to all of it! I also listened to All Fours on audio by the author and I have a lot of feelings about it both positive and not. I can’t wait till you finish. And there is nothing like that sudden realization that you are totally free. I still get that wonderful burst every now and then even five years after filing for divorce.
Yes! Yesterday, out of nowhere and after coming up on two years, I heard the back door open and felt a flash of panic/disappointment/time to act busy and then realized I was "safe." What the actual fuck.
Oh man, I can't wait to see what you write after you finish the book. It was such a bizarre read that my friends and I also totally related to in a lot of ways. The woman in the book never has a name, which we all realized much later...maybe to help us all insert ourselves into the woman's place at times?
Sometimes reading posts like this one help me to realize that I'm not the only one who feels a need to "look busy" when my husband walks in or who is resentful about the constant comments if I sleep in or take a nap or work from bed one day. It's exhausting to always feel judged.
The farther I go, the more I am highlighting and I am working on a Part II now... Holy shit. I really appreciate your comment, Josey. It is so helpful to know we aren't the only ones.