Steph, I’m in tears here. Your writing is so galvanizing and true! I’m in, even though it wasn’t an ugly divorce, I got money, he paid on time, but still I feel duped. ALLLLLLL the emotional labour and no recognition. Maybe that’s my one-liner lol
I was married 30+ years and now am divorced almost 10 years. Not the life I had planned. Admittedly, I was quite devastated. Wrecked. Broken. But after a while, I discovered me. I came to realize that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
The “gray rock” bullet point? I felt that in my SOUL. It took him 31 days to move out after I told him to. THIRTY-ONE DAYS. Gray rocking the entire time. All day, every day. Desperate to keep the peace long enough for him to just LEAVE ALREADY so my daughter and I could begin to heal.
And when he finally moved out? The gray rocking continues. The constant demands for emotional labor. The resentment of no longer being centered. It’s like he’s never left.
And my favorite —alllll the gaslighting, including the suggestion (along with oh so sincere requests that I take it seriously) that I get a new therapist. Because I’m “regressing” with this one I’ve had for a year. ( the one with 35 years of divorce recovery experience.)
I hear you, and I am with you. It's an excruciating burden to bear. The helplessness + rage is maddening. You are going to emerge so strong. As my dad says, cream always rises to the top.
You had me at ‘systemic issue.’ Well done you and can’t wait for ‘zero reservations about absolutely fucking annihilating the patriarchal structures that got us into this mess to begin with.’
I'm all about this. Thank you... I am looking to spread the word—relationships and relational trauma is my area of interest. I’m a researcher, writer, and counselor advocate.
Today’s post is about when mean becomes abuse… so many women leave for mean and find out later just how much abuse was there.
I think this is an insanely good idea. I am still friends with my ex, we co parent. And I started this substack in the wake of our divorce conversations. But there is so much I still can’t say. Things that would hurt him and/or my children. Things that probably already exist in my substack drafts! Do you want to hear stories from people like me?
I have a visceral pang of grief and jealousy when i hear of people who are co-parenting as friends. And also so much gratitude for the families who can get that right. Yes yes yes--I want to hear stories from ALL the women. Please contribute. Your voice is welcome here.
My divorce was in 2002 and even though I married a wonderful man the second time around, I continue to feel anger that the divorce was so bitter and destructive. It didn’t have to be. We could have parted reasonably peacefully. There was no need for the nuclear option.
That is rare and wonderful that your judge saw through the antics :) Yes... in my posts I talk strictly about coercive control, psychological abuse, and emotional entrapment as the weapons of many abusers and exploiters. Too often women are left holding blame because they cannot show physical scars. Emotional ones are more damaging for the long haul, says the literature. CPTSD is the frequent outcome... glad your experience wasn't that!!!
When do you need our writing? I'm working on the new and want to polish it up this weekend. Also, can I send two pieces so you can pick the better piece (if either are publishable)?
Sounds great! My first thought on reading your headline was how I bite my tongue around my married friends. My life is 1000% times better divorced than married. My house is cleaner. My children happier. My finances stretched but orderly (crucial!). My inner world at peace. My sleep undisturbed. I could go on and on but I feel I can’t speak the volume of this truth to my married friends — like the light would hurt their eyes. I just share my stories with my divorced mum — actually I’d love to write about how my divorce brought healing and understanding in my relationship with my mum. Great project and Godspeed.
Yessss I totally relate!! My life is better now, too, although there were absolutely hard times, and still are. But no more tiptoeing or eggshells. No more "pitching a case" or asking permission. No more ignoring my intuition or peacemaking or bending myself into impossible shapes. And it feels fantastic. What a gorgeous line: "I can't speak the volume of this truth to my married friends—like the light would hurt their eyes." So beautifully written.
I have a couple of divorced friends (I am still married and literally two people in this world know I'm planning to end it) who i feel are like you- they don't talk a lot about the experience and I'm sure - without wanting to speak for them entirely - their feelings would be similar to yours because you can see the peace they have in their lives now. But of course we're bound by societal norms to keep quiet about this; we must maintain the status quo of happily married families. I suspect even my mother will be shocked/appalled when the time comes- despite her knowing how miserable my married life is. I will read these stories with huge invested interest (and hopefully add my own experiences once I am in the right place).
I'm not divorced yet (enter best friend screaming at me to "do it already!" here). I am trying to grasp what a quiet man can and has done for years- emotional abuse, financial abuse when I was struggling with my chronic illness at the very root, and endless gaslighting, me always apologizing for doing nothing wrong or needing to borrow money because I couldn't pay for my medication, with an asterisk after every thing he ever loaned or did for me. This, and still wanting to not hurt him and just go separate ways and not demand or get any gain out of the divorce because I feel that isn't fair to him. I just want out but I'm afraid to hurt him as I forget how he continually hurts me. I am looking forward to this publication, it's an excellent idea. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability, and for sharing. So many women have stood where you stand now. It's not black and white–it's complicated and fraught and just excruciating to decide whether to extricate ourselves from a marriage. Sending you big love, and thanks for your comment and support. ❤️
Steph, I’m in tears here. Your writing is so galvanizing and true! I’m in, even though it wasn’t an ugly divorce, I got money, he paid on time, but still I feel duped. ALLLLLLL the emotional labour and no recognition. Maybe that’s my one-liner lol
Oh, Emma, that means the world to me! And YES, that is a fantastic one-liner. XO
Whoa! What a great idea!
I was married 30+ years and now am divorced almost 10 years. Not the life I had planned. Admittedly, I was quite devastated. Wrecked. Broken. But after a while, I discovered me. I came to realize that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I will consider submitting something…….
Thank you so much for that. 💜
This is so fucking necessary and I am here for it to support in whatever way I can. The stories I have swallowed could be the title of my
memoir
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! That made my day. And oh my god, yes. "The stories I have swallowed."
The “gray rock” bullet point? I felt that in my SOUL. It took him 31 days to move out after I told him to. THIRTY-ONE DAYS. Gray rocking the entire time. All day, every day. Desperate to keep the peace long enough for him to just LEAVE ALREADY so my daughter and I could begin to heal.
And when he finally moved out? The gray rocking continues. The constant demands for emotional labor. The resentment of no longer being centered. It’s like he’s never left.
And my favorite —alllll the gaslighting, including the suggestion (along with oh so sincere requests that I take it seriously) that I get a new therapist. Because I’m “regressing” with this one I’ve had for a year. ( the one with 35 years of divorce recovery experience.)
The divorce is coming.
I hear you, and I am with you. It's an excruciating burden to bear. The helplessness + rage is maddening. You are going to emerge so strong. As my dad says, cream always rises to the top.
Get the right support--who helps you name the abuse going on here. thank you for sharing.
Thank you for that comment. ♥️
I feel like I have it — I’m quite happy with my therapist. He’s the one who’s not. 😜
You had me at ‘systemic issue.’ Well done you and can’t wait for ‘zero reservations about absolutely fucking annihilating the patriarchal structures that got us into this mess to begin with.’
💪
THANK YOU!!!
Crazy ass divorce story. But only anonymous because daughter still thinks that pos is a good dad.
That's why doing this anonymously is the only way to support women who need to share their stories but don't want to hurt their kids.
I'm all about this. Thank you... I am looking to spread the word—relationships and relational trauma is my area of interest. I’m a researcher, writer, and counselor advocate.
Today’s post is about when mean becomes abuse… so many women leave for mean and find out later just how much abuse was there.
https://drsoliver.substack.com/p/youre-so-sensitive?r=5bb8hl
Cannot wait to check this out. Thank you so much!
Thanks, Steph. Your input is very valuable. I will see you on your substack as well :)
I think this is an insanely good idea. I am still friends with my ex, we co parent. And I started this substack in the wake of our divorce conversations. But there is so much I still can’t say. Things that would hurt him and/or my children. Things that probably already exist in my substack drafts! Do you want to hear stories from people like me?
I have a visceral pang of grief and jealousy when i hear of people who are co-parenting as friends. And also so much gratitude for the families who can get that right. Yes yes yes--I want to hear stories from ALL the women. Please contribute. Your voice is welcome here.
Thank you Steph. I have a lot to share - things that you might not expect an “amicable” ex to say. I’m going to reflect on where best to put it!
I can't wait to read!
My divorce was in 2002 and even though I married a wonderful man the second time around, I continue to feel anger that the divorce was so bitter and destructive. It didn’t have to be. We could have parted reasonably peacefully. There was no need for the nuclear option.
That is exactly how I felt and feel. There was another way. It never had to be like this. It's so hard to accept.
Yes. The effects this had on my children were unforgivable.
I feel the same way. I will never get over the harm that caused them.
Post-separation abuse is real. Glad you are happy now :) and safe.
I wasn’t physically abused — he just made the divorce unbearably difficult. A wise judge put an end to his shenanigans eventually.
That is rare and wonderful that your judge saw through the antics :) Yes... in my posts I talk strictly about coercive control, psychological abuse, and emotional entrapment as the weapons of many abusers and exploiters. Too often women are left holding blame because they cannot show physical scars. Emotional ones are more damaging for the long haul, says the literature. CPTSD is the frequent outcome... glad your experience wasn't that!!!
Thank you. ♥️
divorce was nothing short of salvation.
Oh, god, yes. Same.
Thank you for doing this. It is a great kindness to make a space for these traumatic events that shape who we become.
Thank you for that, Hilary! It means a lot! XO
When do you need our writing? I'm working on the new and want to polish it up this weekend. Also, can I send two pieces so you can pick the better piece (if either are publishable)?
I just added a deadline of June 30th!
And yes to two!!
Now wishing we could help each other divorce the real dead weight terrifying the children and animals and get out of those chains.
Here is my support!
Hear, hear. ♥️
Energy of the universe put this in my Substack feed.
Thank you, universe. ❤️
As someone contemplating divorce, this is really helpful!
I'm so glad to hear that (that it's helpful, not that you're contemplating divorce 😉). Please reach out if you need any support!
Sounds great! My first thought on reading your headline was how I bite my tongue around my married friends. My life is 1000% times better divorced than married. My house is cleaner. My children happier. My finances stretched but orderly (crucial!). My inner world at peace. My sleep undisturbed. I could go on and on but I feel I can’t speak the volume of this truth to my married friends — like the light would hurt their eyes. I just share my stories with my divorced mum — actually I’d love to write about how my divorce brought healing and understanding in my relationship with my mum. Great project and Godspeed.
Yessss I totally relate!! My life is better now, too, although there were absolutely hard times, and still are. But no more tiptoeing or eggshells. No more "pitching a case" or asking permission. No more ignoring my intuition or peacemaking or bending myself into impossible shapes. And it feels fantastic. What a gorgeous line: "I can't speak the volume of this truth to my married friends—like the light would hurt their eyes." So beautifully written.
You are so amazing Steph. Keep going. We are all willing you on.
Thank you!! 😭♥️
I have a couple of divorced friends (I am still married and literally two people in this world know I'm planning to end it) who i feel are like you- they don't talk a lot about the experience and I'm sure - without wanting to speak for them entirely - their feelings would be similar to yours because you can see the peace they have in their lives now. But of course we're bound by societal norms to keep quiet about this; we must maintain the status quo of happily married families. I suspect even my mother will be shocked/appalled when the time comes- despite her knowing how miserable my married life is. I will read these stories with huge invested interest (and hopefully add my own experiences once I am in the right place).
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and honesty. I relate to this so much. You are in good company. 💜
I'm not divorced yet (enter best friend screaming at me to "do it already!" here). I am trying to grasp what a quiet man can and has done for years- emotional abuse, financial abuse when I was struggling with my chronic illness at the very root, and endless gaslighting, me always apologizing for doing nothing wrong or needing to borrow money because I couldn't pay for my medication, with an asterisk after every thing he ever loaned or did for me. This, and still wanting to not hurt him and just go separate ways and not demand or get any gain out of the divorce because I feel that isn't fair to him. I just want out but I'm afraid to hurt him as I forget how he continually hurts me. I am looking forward to this publication, it's an excellent idea. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability, and for sharing. So many women have stood where you stand now. It's not black and white–it's complicated and fraught and just excruciating to decide whether to extricate ourselves from a marriage. Sending you big love, and thanks for your comment and support. ❤️