Smart, Quiet Girls with ADHD

Part II in my ADHD series

Oh, haha, I know what you’re thinking, and I can assure you, I *used to* be very quiet. Today I’m writing with an update to my October column about ADHD about what it feels like to be an adult woman who was never diagnosed and feels like she probably should have been.

To jog your memory, here’s what I wrote about my experience as a student in the 80s and 90s:

I was always a straight-A student and I literally never broke any rules, so why would I have been on anybody’s radar? The classic “ADD kid” from the 80s and 90s was the little boy who couldn’t sit still and disrupted class, not the uber-quiet girl whose teachers gushed endlessly about her at parent-teacher conferences.

But for most of my educational career, I found myself frequently lost in my own thoughts. I would have this visceral panic moment when I realized—cheeks burning and heart pounding—that I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I had no clue what my teacher was talking about; I had essentially missed the lesson and I honestly couldn’t even remember why. I had followed my thoughts down a rabbit hole and now there was no digging out. Maybe I was writing a story or poem in my head, maybe I was absorbed in a confrontational fantasy about what I *should* have said to that kid on the playground yesterday, maybe there was a song lyric playing itself over and over and over in my brain while I unconsciously tapped out the syllables on my fingers. Whatever I was doing, I was not paying attention. And now I was fucked, and flooded with anxiety and shame. Rinse, repeat. If I was ever caught not paying attention, my humiliation multiplied.

Because I was also a tightly wound, anxious overachiever, it was very easy for me to mask whatever neurodivergence was lurking behind the scenes. Nobody would ever know my secret. And regardless of what “condition” I did or did not have, however a clinician would have categorized me, I developed a deep, persistent belief that I was inadequate. I had missed the memo, didn’t understand the rules of the game, failed to hear the instructions, and now I needed to rely on somebody else to compensate for me, hold my hand, or cover for me. I was not enough on my own.

So that pretty much sums it up. Since writing that column last fall (oh my GAWD, has it really taken me three months to write a follow up? To quote Taylor Almighty, I guess I’ve got a lot going on at the moment.), I’ve continued to vacillate between attempting to get diagnosed and talking myself out of it for all the aforementioned, internalized naysayer regurgitation reasons: everyone is overwhelmed; your life is chaotic, what do you expect?; nobody can remember why they walked into the room; so you suck at housekeeping, that hardly makes you special. . .

After honing in on a few professionals in my insurance network who could give me a diagnosis, I spent TWO MONTHS leaving voicemails for a practice who only returned my call once. I mean, can we reflect on the irony of forcing a woman with ADHD to try to remember whether she’s received a callback and whose turn it is at phone tag to make a fucking appointment to get an ADHD diagnosis?

I had mostly given up; I have way too much else on my plate right now anyway. And then, a Christmas meltdown involving a present I thought I misplaced but actually didn’t led to a monumental conversation with a friend who recognized my symptoms as ones she herself struggled with. She gave me information, validation, comfort. And perhaps mostly importantly, she gave me the contact for her own provider, who returned my call within days. I have an appointment in a few weeks, you guys. I have never felt so much relief.

After my conversation with my friend, I felt a renewed vigor to learn more and find answers. So, naturally, I ordered three books, and then found what I believed to be the best podcast for myself: ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka. I downloaded five carefully curated episodes for my post-Christmas flight, including a checklist of symptoms for adult women with ADHD, what it feels like to be a woman with ADHD; intuition and ADHD, learned helplessness. . . I started with the What Does ADHD Look Like in Women episode and started frantically taking notes. I had initially popped in my AirPods while I put on my makeup and curled my hair, and quickly realized that wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t keep up with Tracy, scribbling as fast as I could, pausing and rewinding as I tried to jot down the last three characteristics she listed, because I couldn’t remember the first item I meant to write down.

When I finished the episode, I felt like I had just listened to a case study about myself. Tracy mentioned that women often feel shame upon diagnosis, but I didn’t even feel an inkling of shame: I wanted to drop to my knees and weep with the relief of being seen.

These are just a few of the characteristics of women and girls who have either inattentive or combined type ADHD, ranging from the obvious to more nuanced:

• Mental hyperactivity rather than physical

• Distracted by external stimuli and easily miss details

• Fast talking (Um. If you’ve met me IRL, yes.)

• Excessive struggle to begin activities you don’t want to do

• Losing track of time when hyper-focused

• Disorganized but drawn to products to aid organization

• Impatient, particularly a strong dislike for waiting in lines

• Cannot read or follow directions

• Quick temper, but also quick to regain calm

• Impostor syndrome

• Bored by small talk; difficulty listening when people aren’t getting to the point.

• Repetitive body-focused behavior—skin picking, etc.

• TMJ/ jaw clenching

• Bored easily and trouble focusing

• Difficulty learning and organizing new information (memorization is my superpower that compensates for this)

• Frequently losing things

• Space out often/ in own fantasy world

• Overthink everything

• Excessive worrying

• Daydreamer in school

• Described often as “needy”

Otsuka talked about inattentive type ADHD, especially in smart girls, and how symptoms are internalized, leading to anxiety, and how you do not want to tell anyone what you are experiencing. That just knocked me down. She said smart girls can coast more easily, as their high intelligence causes increased compensation (cough, and anxiety). They present as daydreamers or absent-minded professors, but lack disruptive behavior.

And then, to balance out the symptoms that resonated so deeply with me, she listed the positive qualities that women with ADHD often possess:

• Creative

• Hyper-focused

• Inquisitive

• Exceptionally intuitive

• Love new connections

• Enthusiastic

• Tenacious

• Authenticity is an important value

• More effective when you are your own boss

• Drivenness

• Idea machine

• Interpersonal intuition—can easily read the room

• More originality and imagination than most people

• Laugh a lot

• Look younger than your age (Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game! 😉I’m not saying that’s me, and I didn’t make this one up, but. . . 🤷‍♀️)

Then Otsuka hit me with another truth bomb: “ADHD women often go off the rails at motherhood, because we get the brunt of all the organizational responsibility.” I have always characterized this tedious, all-consuming invisible labor with the label of “Parenting Project Manager.” And nothing has ever made more sense to me than the notion that being overwhelmed with all things parenting would take over my system in a way that made me feel flustered, inadequate, and anxious.

I’m going to keep learning, listening, and most importantly, I’m going to get an evaluation later this month. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m more in pursuit of medication or validation. I know that meds are an incredible asset for some women, and a complication for others. Aside from medication, there are other tools and lifestyle changes to consider.

If you are a woman who has dismissed her own symptoms or had symptoms dismissed by a variety of well-intentioned naysayers (It’s normal; everyone feels like that; you’re just stressed out), I urge you to IGNORE THAT SHIT and listen to your intuition. After all, it just may be one of your biggest superpowers.

I’ll keep you posted, guys. Wishing you peace and love in the new year, and thanks, as always, for your support and subscriptions.

XOXO,
Steph

January Things!

• Join The Mother Plus Podcast and Parent Coach Cindy Shuster for a $20 virtual workshop tonight, January 8th, at 6:30 pm MST about restoring some household harmony and cooperation. It’s Good For Kids To Help: Move Beyond Whining, Guilt, and Chore Charts—details and registration here.

• My co-producer Megan Vos and I will be presenting a 3-hour, in-person workshop on January 20th in Boulder in preparation for Listen To Your Mother audition season. Learn more about From Page to Stage: An Essay Workshop and sign up here.