The Circle of Wise Women

On burning down the Un-Village

Writing Womanhood weekly circles are starting soon! Space is limited for Monday noon + Thursday evening groups. Details on registration here.

Do you ever have those weeks when the same message seems to tap you on the shoulder, whispering in your ear over and over until you listen? Or maybe you don’t listen, and then it grabs you and shakes you. You’ll hear a quote two days in a row or have multiple friends tell you, Oh my god, you have to watch this, or you’ll listen to completely different podcasts where the same topic comes up and you’ll say to yourself, Huh, what a crazy coincidence.

Lately that’s been happening to me. But I don’t think it’s a coincidence, and maybe it’s because I’m a month into Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way and I’m primed for noticing synchronicities all around me, something my loved ones may tell me was always my default operating system as I move through the world, exclaiming over “signs” while they kindly roll their eyes. Anyway.

It’s been difficult to focus this past month, harder than usual for me even with ADHD meds and a toolbox full of executive functioning strategies to keep me on track. For those of us who struggle to tune out extraneous stimuli, we’ve been pelted in a nearly violent way since January. Even the most stoic amongst us have struggled to find the balance between “staying informed and staying sane.”

For those of us who wander the world with a “permeable membrane” as I’ve always considered it, it can be even more destabilizing. Whether you are a highly sensitive person, an empath, neurodivergent, or all of the above, living in a climate of chaos is even more of a challenge than it is for the average person who is deeply troubled by the state of the world.

Like an idiot, I went to the grocery store yesterday—yes, on Super Bowl Sunday. It was Sprouts, so they don’t even sell Bud Light or Doritos, but it was still a circus and I experienced my overstimulation like some sort of paralysis (see also: The Chief’s offensive line—oh shit, too soon? But really, wasn’t it almost like Hermione hit those guys with a Confundus Charm? I digress.). I had one of those moments where I was like, “What am I doing here, what am I looking for, where do I find anything, how do I even read this grocery list and how long have I been standing in this aisle, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t have any of the things on my list.”

Life feels like that right now. The ground beneath our feet is shifting. We feel helpless. As a single mom, I am even more keenly aware of being in my “own boat.” But I haven’t experienced true panic yet, and I attribute that to one thing: women.

Find your circle of wise women

I want to say that I am “lucky” to do the work I do (those who know me know I would never, ever say “blessed” in this context), but I don’t think luck is the right word. Grateful, yes, every single day. But I have chosen to build a career out of working with girls and women, as a writing instructor and coach, a podcaster, a voice teacher, a curator of women’s stories, and a producer. Don’t kill me, but I may toss out the word “called” in a non-religious way; I do feel “called” to do the work I’m doing, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

It is an honor every single day to connect with the women I do. And in the past month, these connections have been laced with eerily similar messages at an accelerated rate—hence the synchronicities.

In last week’s column, I mentioned how impactful it was to speak with Susan Bratton on the podcast (her episode airs tomorrow—subscribe and stay tuned!) and I want to share a powerful clip from our interview. Susan hits us with a mic drop. It gave me chills. (I edited out the part where she shows a diagram with sex organs because I honestly have no idea what the rules are here, and if you’re watching this with your kid right behind you, maybe you don’t want to see the eggplant diagram? IDK.)

Then a few days ago, we interviewed Dr. Jolene Brighten (just, holy shit, she is such a huge deal in the world of women’s health) and she had a similar message: There is a gender bias in medicine, and women have an uphill battle to advocate for their own health. She said,

“I will tell you that for a very long time in women's medicine, this is the trend—dismiss a woman, tell her she doesn't know her own body, and then a decade later research comes out and you never acknowledge what you did to her. We don't study women, but we make assumptions about them. Like at some point a study comes out and it’s like, you know what generations of women have said? It turns out they actually know their bodies.”

The message repeats: Women have been deliberately oppressed (this is not an opinion, friends). We have been kept out of power, our voices have been silenced, and our bodies have been objectified, invalidated, and disrespected. But many of us arrive at midlife and become aware of this, like someone waking from a dream, and we say: No more.

In the HerStories Project incubator last week, we had sessions from Michelle Mellon and

Jen Berlingo, LPC, ATR

that were focused specifically on the power of midlife women’s voices and stories. The collective takeaway was this: Midlife women, your time is now, your voice is important, you are allowed to grow and evolve, and it is imperative that you share your stories. Our voices have been suppressed in so many ways; we’ve been deeply conditioned to ignore our own intuition, wisdom, and desires. And it’s time to dig out.

Pass me the Mf-ing shovel, please.

So what is the path out of this? Each other. It’s women coming together to speak freely and powerfully about the things we have been silent about. Our bodies (good god, why are we not shouting from the rooftops about perimenopause??), our brains (it is no accident that so many women are being diagnosed with autism and ADHD at midlife), our relationships (don’t get me started on marriage and divorce), our motherhood, our rights as citizens.

On February 1st, I performed with Reclamation: The Fempire Strikes Back, and read a piece I had never published before. Somehow, publishing something in print or online felt more vulnerable or dangerous than reading it aloud to a room of supportive people. 🤷‍♀️

Here’s an excerpt:

I am empowered by my independence, yet furious at the lack of village. I have my best friends—my council of wise women— but where are the others, where are the men? Are they the same male heads of household who quietly convince their emotional wives that other people’s suffering is not their problem? Who repeat the mantra, “There’s nothing we can do. We shouldn’t get involved; it’s a family matter.” Nothing is ever their business. I have news for them—when you are a woman who chooses to abandon the structure and safety of the nuclear family, you quickly become nobody’s business.

My therapist asks if we should name this Legacy Burden, this 1950s model of “behind closed doors” and minding our own business. I bitterly complain that at least in the 50s, they brought casserole. I would like a fucking casserole. “It’s like the opposite of a village. It’s the Un-Village,” I decide.

Mother Teresa proclaims that “if we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other.” Oh, how we have forgotten. Our insular nuclear family pods allow for book clubs and ladies’ nights, block parties and BBQs, and sometimes someone gets too drunk at a child’s birthday party and confesses in whispers that her marriage is a sham. When another woman files for divorce the next week, the women stop talking. What would happen if we acknowledge there is a flaw in the system, that we need more than we are getting under the confines of our suburban roofs? We keep the doors closed. This is why women stay when they want to leave. They feel as if they have no choice.

Which voice are you listening to?

I do not have all the answers about how to navigate the mess we are all in at the moment. The only thing I can come up with is that we simply must not sacrifice our own voices. We must keep each other close. We need to pay attention to the messages that pop up over and over—they are not a coincidence—that lead us closer and closer to our next right things. We have to train ourselves to tune out the fear voice, the “should” voice, the “What would people think?” voice and audaciously pursue what is right for ourselves. And that is a lot easier to do when you find your circle of wise women.

I do feel lucky that my work has led me to powerful speakers and dynamic podcast guests, creative women writing and working alongside me. Whether or not that is your reality, there are wise women in your midst, and you need to find them. Whether through books they write or podcasts they produce, whether at middle school track meets or your faith center or your moms’ group or when you gather with your very best friends for brunch or happy hour or coffee (schedule more of those, please) or by watching their revolutionary movies (see also: Nighbitch) or Netflix specials.

I’m inviting you into my little circle of the world.

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.”—Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I will keep doing my best in my corner of the world here. I am finally starting my in-person weekly writing circles for women. I have a daytime and an evening option for local women, and if you are not in Colorado but like the idea of a virtual writing circle, let me know by filling out the interest form. If there is interest, I am happy to begin an online circle as well.

Writing Womanhood is a 5-week long, weekly 90-minute writing circle. Each week will explore a theme pertaining to womanhood: our bodies, the archetypes of maiden, mother, crone, our relationships, and our creativity. We'll open our circles with a check-in, grounding, meditation, and intention setting. Each session will include freewriting, prompts, sharing, and connection, with the option of developing a longer, more polished piece of writing for those who are interested. Our final week will focus on sharing writing in a supportive salon experience to celebrate our creative expression and connection.

Circles will be capped at six women to preserve an intimate, safe space, so sign up ASAP to secure a spot. The Monday session begins 3/3; the Thursday session begins 2/27. Details on location and schedule in the links below.

Register for the Monday 12-1:30 circle here.
Register for the Thursday 7-8:30 pm circle here.

We need to come together and create our own villages. We need to burn down the Un-Village. I believe we can do it, but we have to find each other first.

XO,
Steph

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Another opportunity for locals: Michelle Theoharris and I have another session of Nurture Your Creative Fire, a 2-hour workshop for women, on Wednesday, 2/19 at 7:00 pm. Register at Sunny Isle Yoga here.