I have had so many conversations with divorced women lately about the myriad ways in which they are struggling: financially, with parenting, their children’s mental health, affordable housing issues. Everything from having to change their emergency contact (fortunately, I have many close loved ones who can easily fill that spot, but for many women, that space now leaves a very real blank), who to drive you to medical procedures (colonoscopy, over here!), and how to transport kids when you are also trying to work.
I want to hear from my divorced female friends (sorry, I know divorced dads are struggling too, but as my grandma would say, “I can’t be on that committee."), maybe especially single moms, to hear about the things that were your biggest challenges during and after your divorce? What did you need? What do you *still* need?
I am thinking so much about how we can support one another—the needs feel so vast.
I'm going to chime in with my own list of stressess/needs/deep crippling worries. Because it's everything from the minor—I hate having to get the mail and find it is a task I dread and avoid—to the major—I am so worried about my daughter's mental health.
I think there should be some sort of privately funded handyman fund for divorced women who realize for the first time they have to fix things they don't know how to fix. I hear all the time—"Do it yourself, it will be empowering and it's great for you to learn new things." Hey, guess what? I am running on fucking empty here and I don't have the time or the interest to learn how to do this particular task.
Many of us become instantly financially disadvantaged, and the primal panic of that experience cannot be overstated.
Health insurance—we need help, we need guidance, we need to know where to look.
Support groups—are they out there? Probably, but we are way too fucking exhausted to look.
I have a wonderful attorney and the girls and I have fantastic therapists, but even with that, needs fall through the cracks. I frequently find myself saying, "Who is in charge here? What are we supposed to do?" when we encounter situations that are so painful and complicated there is little precedent. We need mandated family therapy with someone who says, "This is ok; that is not ok. Do this, don't do that. This is the way." We become the lighthouse, but we have no idea what uncharted waters we are illuminating.
The actual legal process is absolutely soul-crushing. It feels like a living nightmare.
YES. Your last few lines--that is exactly it. The controlling angry man choosing to bleed money towards legal fees just out of spite is something I think is deeply resonant to many women who are divorcing. Thank you so much for this comment. You are not alone.
At first I was so empowered by the independence and proving to myself and others that I got this! 13 years later, I am exhausted. No shared custody here, no child support here. DOING IT ALL!! Where are my breaks, the division of chores, financial support, partnered decision making, tapping out from parenting, setting and holding boundaries, prioritizing self, balancing ALL THE THINGS without relief. Being a single mom is the hardest fucking thing in the world, and you don’t get the privilege of knowing and understand that unless you’re doing it. Comparing yourself to others has to go; picking battles, giving yourself grace, taking it one step at a time, and embracing your support system, and building your village are your musts and strength. Hug and give hugs. We are surviving here, craving touch, desperately seeking validation, and we need each other.
I love you so much, my friend. I am truly in awe that you have been doing this for so long. And I really had no idea what it felt like until I was in it, which I regret. Butu I think you're right that there is no way to truly understand it unless you are in it.
Oh Martha. 13 years is a long time for serious solo parenting. I’ve only been at it for a couple and I know the exhaustion, the relentlessness. Thank you for your advice. I agree with all of it. Especially giving yourself grace. It’s impossible otherwise.
I definitely think it takes the ability to lean on others. I have a very small family and don’t live near them. But I have a robust support network and when I need help, I ask. And they are always there. As I would be for them. Everyone needs help at some point in life and I am at the ready when these friends need it in return—even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on.
Also, allow yourself to drop balls. And tell your kids you’re going to drop balls. Mine are grown now and they get it. Yours will too.
I love the ball dropping encouragement, Amanda! So true and a good life lesson in general. And yes yes yes to creating a support network. Paid and unpaid.
I need to live in a commune with other moms where we can all cover for each other while we do all the things for our kids and their activities. Instead, I settle for a few great neighbors where we can help each other in this way. But it is very vulnerable!
The commune is my actual fantasy. I have close friends and neighbors to help as well, but yes, the vulnerability is real and it would feel so wonderful to be helping and being helped in a community that felt balanced and symbiotic. Women helping each other where they need help, knowing it's reciprocal. Surely there has to be a better way to live than this!!
We weren't married, but we were in a committed long term relationship. When we split, I not only had to deal with all the financial, custody, starting over stuff, but I surprisingly found some women were not supportive. I had another friend who was going through a divorce at the same time. Most of our friends rallied around her and were there for her. I had a different reaction. A lot of friends dismissed my feelings because I wasn't really "married". I was left out of get togethers and only offered support from a few, true friends. This is why it is so important to support all women who are splitting from long term partners.
Oh, that disgusts me! I feel like there is NEVER any excuse for women not to support other women. I agree with you 100%--sometimes the support from each other is all we have. Thank you so much for sharing your experience; I think that's a really important perspective to hear.
I think I got divorced in 2017. I bought me a ring to replace my wedding ring, a sterling silver rose, and I wear it on my left so I've not been dating, no one, since dudes think I'm taken (we'll go with that, because it's not that I lost it in age and weight gain). But it was more like a promise ring to myself. That I would take care of me. And I suck at that maybe I need to divorce myself now.
I was afraid of divorce, and am glad it happened.
We have 50/50 custody, but I keep the kids 100% of the time and he pays as if I had 100% custody. We do get along. So far so good knock on wood. But it's effort on both our parts, and one we decided to make for best sake of the kids.
But I don't make money, so I'm struggling with that part because I am driving the kids everywhere, one is homeschooled, I have severe crippling narcolepsy and PTSD, and its like my executive function is gone I don't think I could work at this point even if timing of the kids permitted. I only got enough spoons to get the kids taken care of, to places, homework, homeschool, dinner, laundry... I'm lucky I have VA disability to fall back on, but it's like what am I supposed to do about it? I'm afraid now in the sense that next year, the oldest will turn 18 and child support will definitely go down I will definitely struggle to maintain a home for all 3 kids. Let alone add college and cars.
I also never talk about my problems to anyone. Included with that is my feelings about him. If I try to tell my friends or family what's going on, it's immediate, "Let's disintegrate him. Take him to court!" and it's like I'm too tired for that. I don't want to ruin what little I get from him. Because I need it that bad to live. SO I just don't talk about it. I realize now typing here, and then deleting paragraphS, plural, of details about things he does that p.... me off still, I realize I have some resentment issues that are just stewing inside me. I don't usually notice it but like today, I saw a bit of that, and it's a dark monster I probably need to talk to a shrink about but like really, my kids go see a shrink weekly, plus they have some mild but regular doctor visit health conditions, plus my own health (arthritis, narcolepsy). I'm so sick of appointments and doctor offices I don't want to go. I'd rather spit out a slice of partially chewed American Cheese and then put it back in my mouth than go to another doctor's office ever again. Or call them. Or answer their calls. I will die with this resentment monster trapped inside of my fake smile.
It'd be nice if they had life coaches online, no video chats, who took insurance but had coach vibes more so than doctor vibes.
But like I do realize that somehow in my marriage, I broke. I don't think he broke me. I think he contributed to it. I can say stories about anyone that makes them appear like bad human beings, and makes me a victim, but like in the end, people are pretty narcissistic in general and we all hurt and neglect each other in ways we can't see or acknowledge, even with good intentions. I'm sure I broke him too.
BUT like 13 years he didn't know how to clean or cook, and SUDDENLY, he can clean and cook. It's way easier to do when you leave ALL YOUR BAGGAGE and dirty underwear at your ex's house isn't it? How do I sort through all the stuff? I still got baggage and clutter, in my house and in my heart and in my brain and he's got a new house he didn't want when we were married, and a new girlfriend cleaning it for him.
I don't know how to unbreak myself or pull myself together or grow new brains and bodies and multiply but if I don't, I am, well we are, since we are all pieces, I am all pieces, so we are just metaphorically laying on the floor waiting for the broom to sweep us away. And the kids are hungry.
I honestly think the only answer is to become a lesbian and marry Jennifer Lopez. But that would mean I have to break up with Taco Bell.
This is a HARD situation, Michelle, wow. I'm glad you guys do get along; I feel sort of a crippling jealousy towards divorced spouses that are amicable. It makes me sad that you don't talk about it with other people, but when you explained why, it totally makes sense. "I am too tired for that" is such a valid reason (I feel it in my bones) and also jeopardizing what you are currently getting feels terrifying. But I bet it's really isolating. I'm so glad you shared here; I hope it made you feel slightly less alone? I think it's really important to shine a light on some of the horrible things divorced women are experiencing. It's like a dark subculture that doesn't get discussed, and that isn't right.
I’m currently navigating the beginning of my separation that will then lead to divorce. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life. So many different moving parts that to me seem to be completely stuck and not moving at all. From a 2 home income down to 1. Barely surviving all while trying to maintain a good relationship with the child who is a daddy’s boy and to him I’m the cause of all the destruction, well because “dad said”. The support system I had chose sides so being able to work, attend school activities, maintain the household and then finding time to grieve the life I wanted so badly to work, has been a long road. However, I’m making it, we’re making and I’m sure somewhere there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had high hopes mine would be amicable because surely we both have the kids best interest at heart, right? Boy was I fucking kidding myself. I’m dealing with a narcissist who holds everything over my head from my past to my parenting. Yet I stand firm on I won’t talk poorly about him in front of our children. In reality I wanna scream “your dad is a fucking douche bag who cares only about himself and ensuring I’m his property for the remainder of my life”. What do you do then? When you know he’s dogging you to the kids but you still respect your babies way too much to destroy the image they have of their father. I need a break and a bottle of Xanax at this point.
I'm so sorry, Jamie. And please pass the Xanax. I think it's so sad when we believe that things can be amicable and then it blows up. Sending you lots of strength. Yes, you are making it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. There has to be, right?
I’m only a year or so into this fully single mom sitch. No real shared custody, no breaks, minimal to no financial support, and zero co-parenting (for which, thank god). But as much as I know my kids are way better off with just me, it’s hard and lonely. I’m jealous of “happily” divorced parents or just ones who help each other out when needed, who are good enough dads... but comparison is not helpful. What is helpful is a support network of friends, family if you have it, and paid help if you can afford it. My dad lives over an hour away so he may help me with the paid part when he can’t come. Buy my kids have a lot of mental health needs and sometimes - often - the only one who they want or need is... me. I’m trying to take it a day at a time. To remind myself that nothing stays the same. That it will get easier, better, different. Having friends and esp other single mom friends also helps a lot. Glad for this thread and for you, Stephanie!
I was so hoping you would chime in, my friend, and I would love to connect soon. It's so hard to keep my head above water, which I know you get. I am so jealous of people whose divorces were amicable and workable—I don't believe that will ever be my reality. My kids' needs are so vast and overwhelming right now, and while they have therapists, I feel like the primary holder of pretty much everything. "This is only right now," is my motto, but God, it's hard to not look so far ahead, isn't it? I am grateful for you!
I’m so glad you posed this question and so grateful for this space. Taking it one day at a time, one moment, is crucial. I love your idea of a subsidized handyman (wish a very handy divorced woman started a national biz), and fuck learning it all ourselves unless we actually want to. Hang in there my friend, the part you’re in is the muckiest. ❤️💪🏼
I'm going to chime in with my own list of stressess/needs/deep crippling worries. Because it's everything from the minor—I hate having to get the mail and find it is a task I dread and avoid—to the major—I am so worried about my daughter's mental health.
I think there should be some sort of privately funded handyman fund for divorced women who realize for the first time they have to fix things they don't know how to fix. I hear all the time—"Do it yourself, it will be empowering and it's great for you to learn new things." Hey, guess what? I am running on fucking empty here and I don't have the time or the interest to learn how to do this particular task.
Many of us become instantly financially disadvantaged, and the primal panic of that experience cannot be overstated.
Health insurance—we need help, we need guidance, we need to know where to look.
Support groups—are they out there? Probably, but we are way too fucking exhausted to look.
I have a wonderful attorney and the girls and I have fantastic therapists, but even with that, needs fall through the cracks. I frequently find myself saying, "Who is in charge here? What are we supposed to do?" when we encounter situations that are so painful and complicated there is little precedent. We need mandated family therapy with someone who says, "This is ok; that is not ok. Do this, don't do that. This is the way." We become the lighthouse, but we have no idea what uncharted waters we are illuminating.
The actual legal process is absolutely soul-crushing. It feels like a living nightmare.
YES. Your last few lines--that is exactly it. The controlling angry man choosing to bleed money towards legal fees just out of spite is something I think is deeply resonant to many women who are divorcing. Thank you so much for this comment. You are not alone.
At first I was so empowered by the independence and proving to myself and others that I got this! 13 years later, I am exhausted. No shared custody here, no child support here. DOING IT ALL!! Where are my breaks, the division of chores, financial support, partnered decision making, tapping out from parenting, setting and holding boundaries, prioritizing self, balancing ALL THE THINGS without relief. Being a single mom is the hardest fucking thing in the world, and you don’t get the privilege of knowing and understand that unless you’re doing it. Comparing yourself to others has to go; picking battles, giving yourself grace, taking it one step at a time, and embracing your support system, and building your village are your musts and strength. Hug and give hugs. We are surviving here, craving touch, desperately seeking validation, and we need each other.
I love you so much, my friend. I am truly in awe that you have been doing this for so long. And I really had no idea what it felt like until I was in it, which I regret. Butu I think you're right that there is no way to truly understand it unless you are in it.
Oh Martha. 13 years is a long time for serious solo parenting. I’ve only been at it for a couple and I know the exhaustion, the relentlessness. Thank you for your advice. I agree with all of it. Especially giving yourself grace. It’s impossible otherwise.
I definitely think it takes the ability to lean on others. I have a very small family and don’t live near them. But I have a robust support network and when I need help, I ask. And they are always there. As I would be for them. Everyone needs help at some point in life and I am at the ready when these friends need it in return—even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on.
Also, allow yourself to drop balls. And tell your kids you’re going to drop balls. Mine are grown now and they get it. Yours will too.
Yes, that is great advice; tell the kids you are going to drop the ball often. I need to lose the guilt on that one.
I love the ball dropping encouragement, Amanda! So true and a good life lesson in general. And yes yes yes to creating a support network. Paid and unpaid.
I need to live in a commune with other moms where we can all cover for each other while we do all the things for our kids and their activities. Instead, I settle for a few great neighbors where we can help each other in this way. But it is very vulnerable!
The commune is my actual fantasy. I have close friends and neighbors to help as well, but yes, the vulnerability is real and it would feel so wonderful to be helping and being helped in a community that felt balanced and symbiotic. Women helping each other where they need help, knowing it's reciprocal. Surely there has to be a better way to live than this!!
We weren't married, but we were in a committed long term relationship. When we split, I not only had to deal with all the financial, custody, starting over stuff, but I surprisingly found some women were not supportive. I had another friend who was going through a divorce at the same time. Most of our friends rallied around her and were there for her. I had a different reaction. A lot of friends dismissed my feelings because I wasn't really "married". I was left out of get togethers and only offered support from a few, true friends. This is why it is so important to support all women who are splitting from long term partners.
Oh, that disgusts me! I feel like there is NEVER any excuse for women not to support other women. I agree with you 100%--sometimes the support from each other is all we have. Thank you so much for sharing your experience; I think that's a really important perspective to hear.
I think I got divorced in 2017. I bought me a ring to replace my wedding ring, a sterling silver rose, and I wear it on my left so I've not been dating, no one, since dudes think I'm taken (we'll go with that, because it's not that I lost it in age and weight gain). But it was more like a promise ring to myself. That I would take care of me. And I suck at that maybe I need to divorce myself now.
I was afraid of divorce, and am glad it happened.
We have 50/50 custody, but I keep the kids 100% of the time and he pays as if I had 100% custody. We do get along. So far so good knock on wood. But it's effort on both our parts, and one we decided to make for best sake of the kids.
But I don't make money, so I'm struggling with that part because I am driving the kids everywhere, one is homeschooled, I have severe crippling narcolepsy and PTSD, and its like my executive function is gone I don't think I could work at this point even if timing of the kids permitted. I only got enough spoons to get the kids taken care of, to places, homework, homeschool, dinner, laundry... I'm lucky I have VA disability to fall back on, but it's like what am I supposed to do about it? I'm afraid now in the sense that next year, the oldest will turn 18 and child support will definitely go down I will definitely struggle to maintain a home for all 3 kids. Let alone add college and cars.
I also never talk about my problems to anyone. Included with that is my feelings about him. If I try to tell my friends or family what's going on, it's immediate, "Let's disintegrate him. Take him to court!" and it's like I'm too tired for that. I don't want to ruin what little I get from him. Because I need it that bad to live. SO I just don't talk about it. I realize now typing here, and then deleting paragraphS, plural, of details about things he does that p.... me off still, I realize I have some resentment issues that are just stewing inside me. I don't usually notice it but like today, I saw a bit of that, and it's a dark monster I probably need to talk to a shrink about but like really, my kids go see a shrink weekly, plus they have some mild but regular doctor visit health conditions, plus my own health (arthritis, narcolepsy). I'm so sick of appointments and doctor offices I don't want to go. I'd rather spit out a slice of partially chewed American Cheese and then put it back in my mouth than go to another doctor's office ever again. Or call them. Or answer their calls. I will die with this resentment monster trapped inside of my fake smile.
It'd be nice if they had life coaches online, no video chats, who took insurance but had coach vibes more so than doctor vibes.
But like I do realize that somehow in my marriage, I broke. I don't think he broke me. I think he contributed to it. I can say stories about anyone that makes them appear like bad human beings, and makes me a victim, but like in the end, people are pretty narcissistic in general and we all hurt and neglect each other in ways we can't see or acknowledge, even with good intentions. I'm sure I broke him too.
BUT like 13 years he didn't know how to clean or cook, and SUDDENLY, he can clean and cook. It's way easier to do when you leave ALL YOUR BAGGAGE and dirty underwear at your ex's house isn't it? How do I sort through all the stuff? I still got baggage and clutter, in my house and in my heart and in my brain and he's got a new house he didn't want when we were married, and a new girlfriend cleaning it for him.
I don't know how to unbreak myself or pull myself together or grow new brains and bodies and multiply but if I don't, I am, well we are, since we are all pieces, I am all pieces, so we are just metaphorically laying on the floor waiting for the broom to sweep us away. And the kids are hungry.
I honestly think the only answer is to become a lesbian and marry Jennifer Lopez. But that would mean I have to break up with Taco Bell.
Also, your last sentence? OMG I am dying. 😂
This is a HARD situation, Michelle, wow. I'm glad you guys do get along; I feel sort of a crippling jealousy towards divorced spouses that are amicable. It makes me sad that you don't talk about it with other people, but when you explained why, it totally makes sense. "I am too tired for that" is such a valid reason (I feel it in my bones) and also jeopardizing what you are currently getting feels terrifying. But I bet it's really isolating. I'm so glad you shared here; I hope it made you feel slightly less alone? I think it's really important to shine a light on some of the horrible things divorced women are experiencing. It's like a dark subculture that doesn't get discussed, and that isn't right.
I’m currently navigating the beginning of my separation that will then lead to divorce. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life. So many different moving parts that to me seem to be completely stuck and not moving at all. From a 2 home income down to 1. Barely surviving all while trying to maintain a good relationship with the child who is a daddy’s boy and to him I’m the cause of all the destruction, well because “dad said”. The support system I had chose sides so being able to work, attend school activities, maintain the household and then finding time to grieve the life I wanted so badly to work, has been a long road. However, I’m making it, we’re making and I’m sure somewhere there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had high hopes mine would be amicable because surely we both have the kids best interest at heart, right? Boy was I fucking kidding myself. I’m dealing with a narcissist who holds everything over my head from my past to my parenting. Yet I stand firm on I won’t talk poorly about him in front of our children. In reality I wanna scream “your dad is a fucking douche bag who cares only about himself and ensuring I’m his property for the remainder of my life”. What do you do then? When you know he’s dogging you to the kids but you still respect your babies way too much to destroy the image they have of their father. I need a break and a bottle of Xanax at this point.
I'm so sorry, Jamie. And please pass the Xanax. I think it's so sad when we believe that things can be amicable and then it blows up. Sending you lots of strength. Yes, you are making it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. There has to be, right?
I’m only a year or so into this fully single mom sitch. No real shared custody, no breaks, minimal to no financial support, and zero co-parenting (for which, thank god). But as much as I know my kids are way better off with just me, it’s hard and lonely. I’m jealous of “happily” divorced parents or just ones who help each other out when needed, who are good enough dads... but comparison is not helpful. What is helpful is a support network of friends, family if you have it, and paid help if you can afford it. My dad lives over an hour away so he may help me with the paid part when he can’t come. Buy my kids have a lot of mental health needs and sometimes - often - the only one who they want or need is... me. I’m trying to take it a day at a time. To remind myself that nothing stays the same. That it will get easier, better, different. Having friends and esp other single mom friends also helps a lot. Glad for this thread and for you, Stephanie!
I was so hoping you would chime in, my friend, and I would love to connect soon. It's so hard to keep my head above water, which I know you get. I am so jealous of people whose divorces were amicable and workable—I don't believe that will ever be my reality. My kids' needs are so vast and overwhelming right now, and while they have therapists, I feel like the primary holder of pretty much everything. "This is only right now," is my motto, but God, it's hard to not look so far ahead, isn't it? I am grateful for you!
I’m so glad you posed this question and so grateful for this space. Taking it one day at a time, one moment, is crucial. I love your idea of a subsidized handyman (wish a very handy divorced woman started a national biz), and fuck learning it all ourselves unless we actually want to. Hang in there my friend, the part you’re in is the muckiest. ❤️💪🏼