As a middle-aged woman who went through a sticky divorce, and as a divorce coach working with individuals and groups here's what I would add:
Divorce is a legal process, it does not care about your feelings. We coaches say: 'there's no emotional justice in divorce', so getting the support - from a coach - can be the critical bridge between the internal chaos and the external one. That reorientation - the intentional shifting away from the patterns that got you into the attorney's office in the first place, allows space for growth and forward motion.
Yes, by all means people should examine how they got to the point of no return - but that's for a therapist (I call it peeling the layers of the onion). With a coach - the past doesn't matter as much, it's about what's at hand (you've got onion - what do you want to do with it?). We don't coach to the problem, we coach to the way the client approaches the problem.
We look to strengths and values and intentionality: Who do you want to be during the process? What do you want to say about yourself at the end of it? What are you willing to do to make it happen?
Kids' experiences of divorce vary so widely and depend on so many factors (just FYI for all of you wanting to wait until the kids graduate from high school - that's very often the worst timing), in my opinion the key is to show your willingness to stand in the muck, do the hard things, acknowledge your pain and shame and anger, and keep moving forward. This isn't anything expressly said to them, but those little sponges will soak it up. They will see you as you recognize your humanness, as you refuse to deny how sucky things are, because you know 'this too shall pass'.
Okay - I feel like I've rambled a bit, but I am passionate about this as you know!
I LOVE that you rambled, and I was so hoping you would weigh in. All of this is exactly what I wanted to hear from you. There are so many people who would benefit from the kind of work you're doing. It's so important, and you are so damn good at it. I love the lighthouses of these questions: "Who do you want to be during the process? What do you want to say about yourself at the end of it? What are you willing to do to make it happen?" So few people are willing to do this kind of work, and it makes me feel so discouraged.
Here, here! Sadly, as you know, those of us in the shitty divorce club can do all the work we want, and write the most self-aware and generous vows, but if the other human involved doesn’t sign on, it can be ugly AF. In that case, the only person we can control is ourself and that means acting humanely but also making and enforcing boundaries to protect our peace. Love you creating spaces for women to convene and support one another 💪🏼❤️
And that's just it, isn't it? If only one person is willing to do their share, it doesn't work. How do we dismantle a system that keeps so many "unhealed men" (shoutout to YOU, lol) doing everything wrong?
So many great points, Steph!
As a middle-aged woman who went through a sticky divorce, and as a divorce coach working with individuals and groups here's what I would add:
Divorce is a legal process, it does not care about your feelings. We coaches say: 'there's no emotional justice in divorce', so getting the support - from a coach - can be the critical bridge between the internal chaos and the external one. That reorientation - the intentional shifting away from the patterns that got you into the attorney's office in the first place, allows space for growth and forward motion.
Yes, by all means people should examine how they got to the point of no return - but that's for a therapist (I call it peeling the layers of the onion). With a coach - the past doesn't matter as much, it's about what's at hand (you've got onion - what do you want to do with it?). We don't coach to the problem, we coach to the way the client approaches the problem.
We look to strengths and values and intentionality: Who do you want to be during the process? What do you want to say about yourself at the end of it? What are you willing to do to make it happen?
Kids' experiences of divorce vary so widely and depend on so many factors (just FYI for all of you wanting to wait until the kids graduate from high school - that's very often the worst timing), in my opinion the key is to show your willingness to stand in the muck, do the hard things, acknowledge your pain and shame and anger, and keep moving forward. This isn't anything expressly said to them, but those little sponges will soak it up. They will see you as you recognize your humanness, as you refuse to deny how sucky things are, because you know 'this too shall pass'.
Okay - I feel like I've rambled a bit, but I am passionate about this as you know!
I LOVE that you rambled, and I was so hoping you would weigh in. All of this is exactly what I wanted to hear from you. There are so many people who would benefit from the kind of work you're doing. It's so important, and you are so damn good at it. I love the lighthouses of these questions: "Who do you want to be during the process? What do you want to say about yourself at the end of it? What are you willing to do to make it happen?" So few people are willing to do this kind of work, and it makes me feel so discouraged.
Here, here! Sadly, as you know, those of us in the shitty divorce club can do all the work we want, and write the most self-aware and generous vows, but if the other human involved doesn’t sign on, it can be ugly AF. In that case, the only person we can control is ourself and that means acting humanely but also making and enforcing boundaries to protect our peace. Love you creating spaces for women to convene and support one another 💪🏼❤️
And that's just it, isn't it? If only one person is willing to do their share, it doesn't work. How do we dismantle a system that keeps so many "unhealed men" (shoutout to YOU, lol) doing everything wrong?